


Predictive disorder

by Sugarymemes



Category: Voltron: Legendary Defender
Genre: Body Dysmorphic Disorder, Body Dysphoria, ED Recovery, Eating Disorder Recovery, Eating Disorders, Female Pronouns for Pidge | Katie Holt, Gen, Gender Dysphoria, Mental Health Issues, Space Dad Shiro, Trans Female Character, Trans Female Pidge | Katie Holt, Trans Pidge | Katie Holt, pidge isn't okay, supportive paladins, trigger warning
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-03-13
Updated: 2018-04-04
Packaged: 2018-10-04 11:06:35
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 15
Words: 20,586
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10275947
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sugarymemes/pseuds/Sugarymemes
Summary: eating disorder; noun; any of a range of psychological disorders characterised by abnormal or disturbed eating habits.Pidge was the last person that she would think of that could experience something like this. She was the last person anyone else would think of too.





	1. Comforts

**Author's Note:**

> Dedicated to my dearest Lona, and to every other trans person who has never felt beautiful in their body, and to anyone whom has ever experienced the awful and devastating effects of an eating disorder. Eating disorders can affect anyone, of all genders, races, shapes and sizes. Recovery is possible, my darlings, please seek help.

It had been a few months since Katie had confessed that he, was in fact, a she. And that was okay.

A few weeks after that, she'd asked to be called Pidge. Just Pidge. Team Voltron complied with that, and Pidge was Pidge. And everything was okay.

She was okay.

There were a great many things that Pidge missed about earth. Peanut butter, Peanut butter cookies, her mom, her dog - the list could go on. But there were things that she didn't miss.

The wary looks from the people in the women's bathroom. The snickers from the people in the men's bathroom. The irritated looks from people as she went into the disabled bathroom. A unisex bathroom was a Godsend - a rare one, at that. But Pidge would take what she could get.

In space, Pidge was just... Pidge. Paladin of the green lion. Shortest member of the group. The techy nerd. The computer whiz. They were Pidge.

Pidge was a girl. She wasn't broken, or strange. There was no one to judge her. She wasn't Kevin. She was Pidge Katie Holt, and that was all okay.

Pidge.

Plain old Pidge.

Plain old pudgy Pidge.

It wasn't okay.

________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

On nights when she couldn't sleep - which was most nights - Pidge would sneak out of bed, to her bathroom. Although it was cluttered with makeup and jewellery from an excited Allura, and computer parts that shouldn't be anywhere near water, the large mirror over the sink was still visible, it was cold and unkind to her.

Pidge would investigate every inch of her face. Sighing at bushy eyebrows or zits or whatever else. She'd perch on the toilet seat, standing on tiptoes - to get a view of her whole body. 

She took her jacket off, standing in a t-shirt and shorts. Her stupid, boyish figure filled the mirror disappointingly.

Pidge took of her t-shirt and shorts, standing in her bra and underwear. She looked at her reflect in the mirror. She pinched her stomach fat. It was everywhere that she wished it wasn't, and the one place she wished it was - her chest - was flat, flat, flat.

She wadded up some loo roll, shoving it into her bra. Hands on hips, stomach sucked in, she tried to look confident and sexy. But all she was fat, fat, fat.

She looked ridiculous. Sighing, she clambered down off of the toilet seat and wedged herself between the sink and the bathtub. Pidge brought her knees up to her chest, feeling trapped in her stupid fat masculine body. She wished she'd been born a girl. She wanted boobs and curves, and a teeny hourglass figure that was undeniably feminine. 

Thundering footsteps filled the room, and the door to the bathroom was pushed back by none other than Hunk.

"Yo - Pidge? You in here? Grubs up-" He began, quickly cutting himself off when he saw Pidge wedged in the tiny crevice.

"Hunk! Jesus fuck! Knock - why don't ya!" She exclaimed, aiming a shampoo bottle at his head.

"Shit - sorry!" Hunk yelled, backing away and closing the door just in time for the bottle to hit the door and not his head.

Fuck.

She sighed deeply – burying her head in her hands, tears welling up in her eyes.

_Fuck._

________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Surprisingly, tonight’s meal was not green Altean food goo; (Which was neither nutritious nor delicious.) but rather some mysterious looking pink blobby thing, speckled with some sort of yellow… berries?

It didn’t look that great, but maybe if she closed her eyes, it might be a bit more bearable…?  
She gingerly took a spoonful of the suspicious substance, and stared at it for a few seconds. Pidge then angled her spoon down towards her bowl, watching as the food slid off with a satisfying “plop”.

“Something wrong, Pidge?” Shiro asked, sitting across from her, watching as Pidge anxiously looked at the food.

“No…” She mumbled, not wanting to make eye contact. “Just not feeling too well. Sorry.” She quickly rose from her seat, leaving the untouched bowl behind, avoiding Hunk’s gaze from a few seats down.

“Pidge, wait-“ Shiro quickly chirped, beginning to stand up.

Pidge gave an obviously false and overexaggerated yawn. “I’m really tired. Gonna get an early night. Mmhmm.” And with that, she quickly left the room, heading back to her own room, with a fluttery feeling in her stomach – almost like some sort of pride, a sense of achievement. But for what? She hadn’t done anything. But that was the whole point – she hadn’t eaten. And that was good? 

She shook her head, as if it would clear the thoughts from her swarming mind.

Well it wasn’t _bad._

________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

She leaned against the door, exhaling heavily. She closed her eyes as she buried her face in her hands, and slid down the door.

What was wrong with her? Where had all of this come from? This sudden unhealthy mindset had seemingly blossomed from nowhere. Or perhaps her manly shoulders, and her broad chest.  
Manly and broad.  
It was hardly a description that Pidge could use to describe themselves. Shiro was manly and broad. Keith was manly and broad. Hunk was manly and broad. Lance and Coran, were arguably, also manly and broad. If a little tall and lanky.

But Pidge was neither or those things. She was a shit boy and she was a shit girl. She was shit at everything for that matter.

She glanced across the room at her laptop. Orange LED flickering – begging for a charge. Pidge removed her glasses, and rubbed her eyes. She could really use a charge. Rising to her feet and stumbling slightly across the room into her bed, her head hit the soft pillow, a moment of comfort in an otherwise harsh world. Peaceful. She gave a blissful sigh. She felt peaceful.

________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

She deciphered from the quietness of the castle, and the darkness of her room, that it must be night-time; or at least sleeping time. She rolled over in her bed, stretching out and groaning slightly as she satisfyingly cracked her neck. Her stomach suddenly gave a large tell-tale rumble, shaking Pidge’s small frame.

“Shush!” She called out into the dark and empty room. The loneliness and solitude only now becoming apparent when she was alone in the dark. Pidge brought her knees to her chest, holding herself together as if she might fall apart. She needed to keep her limbs together, keep herself together. She ran her thumbs up and down her arms. Up to her collarbones. To her ribs. She wrapped them tightly around her stomach – trying to bind herself together. Make her smaller, and smaller, until she’d disappear. Fade away, leaving a pair of twisted glasses behind, then emerging from a cocoon, blossoming into a beautiful woman.

She dreamed of jumping up from her bed, pulling her hair down to her waist and having clear skin, and hips and a tiny waist, and boobs. Wearing pretty dresses and heels and never stumbling or having anyone question her gender. Because she was Katie Holt. She was Katie Holt and she was so beautiful, and confident…

And _selfish._

She was so selfish. Her brother and father were trapped somewhere in space. They could be dead for all she knew. They could be dead.

_Oh god, they could be dead._

The tears started flowing down her cheeks in waterfalls as her small frame was wracked with bitter sobs. She wanted her family, she wanted her mother. She wanted to be Katie. But she wasn’t Katie. She was Pidge. She didn’t even deserve that name, she was Kevin. He was Kevin.

He was Kevin the fucked-up kid who wanted to wear dresses.

Her body shook with loud sobs, and she didn’t even hear the heavy footsteps padding down the corridor, and the door opening.

“Katie? I mean- Pidge? Are you alright?” Shiro’s clear and confident voice rang out through the room,  
Clear as day. She wasn’t alright. Why on earth wasn’t she alright?

Shiro’s footsteps made their way across the room, and she felt the bed sink as he perched cautiously on the end. He really was like a father to her. He was the closest link she had to her father.

“Are you still not feeling well?” He asked, a slight quiver to his voice. Pidge responded to his question with a few gulping sobs, and otherwise – silence.

“Have you eaten anything?” He quizzed further. Even through the darkness, Pidge could feel his worried, yet kind eyes gazing across her small form. 

“No.”

“I really think you should – it might make you feel better?”

“I’m not hungry.”

“Are you sure?”

Quick as a beat, Pidge responded.

“Very sure.”

Shiro let out a quiet sigh, and Pidge held her breath.

“I’m fine. Don’t worry about it.”

“You were crying though.”

“Just a bad dream.”

She could feel his eyes boring into her, trying to find some sign that she was lying. Trying to find out what was wrong. His eyes scanned around the room desperately trying to decipher her, but his efforts were fruitless.

“Do you want me to stay?” He asked, hoping for some more insight into what exactly was wrong with her.

“Only if you want.”

He gave a soft and tired smile, unbeknownst to Pidge in the darkness.

“Okay.”


	2. Careful

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Pidge is just being careful, that's all it is. It's all fine. Nothing is wrong.

She's been here before. In another time - another life even. Her limbs are not her own. She is dreaming of something long since past. She is seeing through someone else's eyes. She is remembering someone else's memories.

Her eyes open. She is faced with sickly green hands, yet the fingers clench into fists just like hers do.  
The scent of flowers hangs in the air. She looks up to the sky, faced with a reflection that is not her own.

Kind blue eyes look back at her, a look of sorrow and apology somewhere within. These eyes are painted onto a canvas of green, framed with a flurry of soft golden curls, entwined with the trees around her.

There are trees. 

Small chapped lips open in question, but neither the voice nor the words that come out are hers.

_"I'm so, so sorry..."_

The voice envelopes her. Her new green hands wrap around herself, as she drops to her knees. A flurry of petals and leaves fly into the air as tears of liquid gold roll down her cheeks, and drop to the ground.

Soon they are the only light surrounding her, and all else is devoured by the darkness.

_"It shouldn't have been like this..."_

____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Pidge awoke alone. Cold, and alone. No evidence that Shiro had been there the night before - had she been dreaming?

What was that voice that she remembered?

It had just been there... She couldn't remember, try as she might.

Pidge shook her head to clear the thoughts away.

Maybe a hot shower would warm her up - or it would at least be a distraction.

Crawling out of bed, as if it were a chore, she quickly scarpered through to the bathroom, taking off her jacket and shorts and flinging them haphazardly behind her. It had taken her so long to get used to Altean showers - but now she was a master, expertly flicking dials left and right to get just the right temperature. 

She quickly took off the rest of her clothes, draping them over the towel rack lovingly. They were so comforting to her. But at the same time, so foreign. They weren't hers. They were Matt's.

She turned around her and caught her eye in the mirror. It wasn't her peaky face looking back at her with frightened eyes, it was Matt's. His chubby cheeks and bushy eyebrows. They were his. She was _stealing_ them.

She needed to be smaller. And skinny. Elegant and graceful, not clumsy and lumbering. She would be perfect. She'd be Katie again, and she'd be perfect. Katie is delicate, and waifish. Tiny. Big brown eyes framed with dark lashes. Pink lips framed by pale skin, and her entire complexion enveloped in masses of dark hair.

Her eyes met with those in the mirror for what seemed like an infinite amount of time – and eventually her view blurred with tears which were hastily wiped away by bony wrists.

Sighing heavily, she quickly stripped out of the rest of her clothes and dashed into the shower, trying not to catch a glimpse of her body in the mirror. She stood and let the warm water rain over her, imagining it as the golden tears of the person in her dream.

The person in her dream…

She ran her fingers through her hair, and watched as the water slowly whirled around her feet and down the plughole.

_"I'm so, so sorry..."_

Pidge wrapped her arms around herself, pinching every bit of disgusting fat that met with her fingertips.

_"It shouldn't have been like this..."_

_She_ wasn’t meant to be like this.

Pidge threw open the shower door, running across the bathroom to the toilet. Her fingers went down her throat, and she gagged and spat bile and snot and tears. There was nothing else to throw up, after all, she hadn’t eaten. It was horrible, horrible, horrible, and she hated, hated, hated it. 

But there was that nagging voice in the back of her head.

_She_ must do this.

_I_ must do this.

It’s the _only _way.__

_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ _

__Pidge later emerged from her room, fully dressed, if a little puffy eyed, and a bit shaky. She hardly wanted to see anyone right now, but she couldn’t let them suspect anything now – could she, of course not?_ _

__Making her way down the empty and looming corridors of the castle, she counted each step. Numbers were her friends. Calories. Weight. These were good numbers. The lower the numbers the better._ _

__She stopped in her tracks._ _

__“That’s pretty fucked up?” She thought to herself, as she pursed her lips into a thin, narrow line, nibbling at a piece of dry skin._ _

__She shook her head. She wasn’t going to get an eating disorder. She wasn’t that sort of person. No, she was Pidge. She was Pidge and she wanted to be Katie, and she was simply getting there whatever way she could. She would deserve that name._ _

__Just…_ _

__Just not yet._ _

__But it didn’t make any sense to starve herself, did it? It wasn’t logical. Everything in moderation, she reassured herself, as she resumed walking down the corridor towards the dining hall. She’d just take care of her body. It was all healthy. She’d eat a little less, exercise a little more._ _

___Or a lot less, and a lot more._ _ _

__Pushing open the door to the dining hall, all eyes flitted up to her presence, and down again to their food, chatter silencing totally._ _

__“Good morning, Pidge. Did you sleep well?” Allura asked from the head of the table, with a bright smile – almost too bright. Too suspicious._ _

__“Uh, yeah. Fine.” Pidge mumbled in response, as she made her way to her seat, ignoring Shiro’s concerned glances directed to her._ _

__“Since you weren’t feeling too well yesterday, I just made you something a bit blander – is that okay?” Hunk asked with a kindly smile, and tired eyes._ _

__“Yes, that’s great, thank you.”_ _

__Pidge stared at the plate in front of her. It was some sort of a brown flaky substance with little blue and orange bits. She picked up her spoon, and poked it gingerly, half expecting it to attack her.  
“What the little… Bits?”_ _

__“Those are extra vitamins! To help you be in peak physical condition.” Coran piped up eagerly, as Pidge nodded slowly._ _

__She could feel the eyes of everyone at the table staring at her. No one said a word, all equally concerned about the wellbeing of the green paladin._ _

__Pidge took a small spoonful of the food, staring at it before slowly putting it into her mouth. It was bitter and sweet. Crunchy, and yet at the same time it seemed to melt on her tongue. What exactly was in it? There were vitamins in it… But what kind of vitamins? How much sugar? How much fat? How many calories?_ _

__Too damn many was the answer._ _

__She couldn’t care for her body if she didn’t know what she was putting in her body._ _

__Pidge allowed to let the spoon drop and clink on the edge of the bowl, the sound echoing around the silence as everyone else waited at the table, with baited breath._ _

__“Uh, do you mind if I eat in my room?” Pidge asked, not daring to look up._ _

__Allura opened her mouth in response, but was interrupted by Pidge rising from her seat._ _

__“Sorry – I got… I got some work to finish up on.”_ _

__Clasping the bowl in shaking hands, she gave an apologetic yet somewhat sympathetic and reassuring glance around the table._ _

__“I’ll be there for training later, I just… Computer stuff.”_ _

__Murmurs of content were heard around the table, as Pidge hastily walked from the dining hall, bowl clutched to her chest as if it was a precious baby._ _

__She’d test it. She’d made sure that she knew what was in it before eating it. She wasn’t being too drastic, she was just being careful._ _

__It was all _fine_. She was all _fine_._ _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for reading these two chapters, you have no idea how much it means to me. I've been wanting to write this for a long time, but I've never felt well enough. Or valid enough - it's taken so much effort for me to even try to begin accepting myself.  
> Please remember that you're lovely, and that you deserve help, and I'm so proud of you. c: It will be okay - I promise it will!


	3. Capricious

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The stars are great listeners, though they are probably dead before your tears reach them. In the city, street lights paint the sky artificially. All the colours of the dullest rainbow, the sky stretched in the most devastating purple.

_She's here again._

She's here again with those soft golden tresses and the smell of sweet flowers hanging in the air.

Why is she here? 

_Who is she?_

She looks at her face, reflected in the rippling water. Those kind blue eyes, that pale green skin, that long blonde hair...

She looks alien. So foreign yet so familiar. This is her face after all. But she isn't entirely sure who "She" is.

Her lips open without any thought, and a somewhat melodic sound wavers out.

Is that her name? But the way that it's spoken, sung, even. It doesn't sound like a name, let alone hers. 

This alien tongue makes no sense to her in the slightest. She clasps her hands together as her hair falls around her face, and those golden tears fall once more, priceless in everything but monetary worth.

_"Please... Please forgive me."_

____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

After eating around a third of the bowl of “cereal”, and chucking the rest down the toilet, Pidge sat at her desk, furiously tapping her foot and shaking her leg and drumming her fingers… She was endlessly restless. Even though she felt absolutely exhausted, sleep always seemed to elude her, leaving her free to violently chew her lip as she typed away on her laptop mindlessly, not really focusing at all on what she was writing, her code riddled with errors.

The words and numbers all blurred into one big grey blob on the screen. Pidge sighed, and removed her glasses, rubbing her eyes. She closed the lid of her laptop, and rested her head in her hands, before lowering it onto her desk, closing her eyes and relaxing her whole body.

 

Why was she so tired?

……

_Stupid question._

 

Her train of thought was interrupted by heavy footsteps and a hesitant knock at the door.

“Yeah? Come in.” She called out, lifting her head, and turning to face the door, only to have it open to Hunk’s anxious face.

“Hey, uh, you done with your dishes?” He asked, somehow struggling to make eye contact with her, instead focusing on the pile of cables strewn haphazardly in the corner by Pidge, probably in some unsuccessful anger fuelled attempt to untangle them.

“What? Oh God, yeah. Here.” She said, rubbing her face with her palms, as she picked up the bowl, got up and walked over to pass it to him. 

“Cheers Hunk, that stuff was kinda good.” Pidge mumbled unconvincingly, with a smile that didn’t quite reach her eyes. He barely looked at her face, simply grasping the bowl in his hands, and opening his mouth slightly as if he was about to say something but couldn’t quite get the words out.

 

“Pidge, are you... You’re okay, right?” He staggered out, leaving Pidge slightly taken aback, although she tried not to show it. Was it so obvious that something was wrong? Even though nothing was wrong, of course.

“Yeah, I’m great?” Pidge responded quizzically with a raised eyebrow.

“I mean, you’d tell us if something was wrong, wouldn’t you?” 

“Of course I would!” She exclaimed in what she hoped was a somewhat comforting tone. 

“But believe me Hunk, I’m totally fine. 100%. Promise.” She said brightly, holding up her pinkie finger, and tilting her head sideways with a slight grin. 

Hunk gave a wary smile back, linking her pinkie with his own.

 

“I’ll see you in training? I’ll be there soon.” Pidge said, unhooking her finger, her face falling slightly as she noticed Hunk’s mildly sheepish look.

“Shiro… He said that you sho- that you didn’t need to, if you didn’t feel up to it. It’s all good.”

She exhaled heavily in response to this, and crossed her arms playfully.

“God, he really is like a space dad isn’t he?” she said, shaking her head, only to be met with a slight snicker from Hunk.

“I’ll be there though. I gotta kick Keith’s emo ass. I’ve been working hard.”

 

That sheepish grin appeared again on Hunk’s face.

“Actually we’re not sparring today, just working out. Sorry!”

Pidge sighed, and shook her head.

“Eh, well, whatever. I’ll see you there.”

Content with this response, Hunk left her to get on with whatever she needed to before meeting her on the training deck.

 

Pidge hated working out with the others. It was fine when they were sparring, and wearing their armour or whatever, but when they were working out, everyone was mostly in tank tops and shorts, apart from Lance – who flaunted whatever he had in a pair of Allura’s old yoga pants. She wished she had that confidence.

But these tank tops and tight shorts never looked good on Pidge. Barely okay. Female clothes just made it more obvious that she wasn’t one, and male clothes just proved how stupid she looked in everything that she wore. It was easier just to cover up. Easier to cover up until she was all woman. Until her body matched her mind, until she was properly Katie.

Plus, she got cold a lot, so all the jackets and sweatpants helped.

Heading to the training deck, Pidge felt her chest tighten with anxiety. Why hadn't Shiro wanted her to come? Had she done something wrong? Surely not.

She walked slowly, careful steps. She was _always_ careful. 

She _wasn’t always_ careful though.

She was reckless. In fights, and battles, she was always reckless, putting herself in danger. Shiro had told her that, time and time again. He wasn’t angry with her, he was just worried, he said.

But each time, she would put herself in danger, everything would somehow be okay. She’d find a way out of it. But when she was being the danger to herself, she couldn’t be sure that everything would be okay. But everything was okay. She’d just lose a little bit of weight, skipping a meal here and there, even making yourself sick – it wasn’t dangerous. She’d heard Lance doing it, even though he’d always denied it.

On those nights, she’d hear Keith’s delicate footsteps sneak into his room, and not leave until the wee hours of morning. 

She stopped walking, and furrowed her brow. Was Lance unwell? In the way… In the way that she wasn’t.  
He was so skinny, and he was tired. He didn’t have the stamina of the rest of the team, and he often made skipped meals, or made excuses. He’d exercise more than anyone else, whenever Pidge came into his room he was doing sit-ups or star jumps. He’d spend hours, obsessed with his reflection, but maybe that’s not because of how wonderful he thought he was, as Pidge had assumed.

But he was so thin? That’s what Pidge needed to aspire to. She’d work harder. She’d be skinnier than him. She had to be. She’d be weightless, ethereal, otherworldly.

She’d rise up and up above any of those whom defied her. She’d be Katie, and Katie was beautiful.  
She’d get serious about all of this.

Smirking to herself, Pidge continued walking. She’d start right here, right now. She would make it. 

_She’d have to make it._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'd like to thank you all so much for all of the lovely support. Writing this was actually quite daunting for me, as recently I've been desperately trying not to relapse into my old habits. I'm trying my best though, and I'm challenging the unhealthy mindsets. I hope I'll be able to give to all a happy ending, both for Pidge, for every eating disorder sufferer, trans or otherwise, and for me. thank you so much for reading. c:


	4. Convincing

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Pidge's logic begins to become illogical. And her answers become lies and excuses more than anything else.

Shiro had always considered Pidge to be one of the most logical people he knew, if not the most logical. She could solve a maths problem in the blink of an eye, and even though turning a wifi router off and on seemed like a somewhat daunting task for him, Pidge was happily hacking into alien empires and bringing them down from the inside. She was amazing. 

However, Shiro believed that some things about her weren't the most logical. At mealtimes she'd sit, furiously jiggling her legs and tapping her feet. She would hide food under other food, and would chew a single bite for what seemed like agonising hours. Shiro hated watching her eat. Pidge hated him watching her eat too. 

She would pad around the castle late at night. She had a certain route she'd take, and she'd repeat it over and over until someone got up and told her to quit it, or everyone finally went to sleep, not noticing if she was or wasn't continuing her walking until the wee hours of the morning. Pidge's dark eyebags suggested that she most definitely was continuing.

For Pidge, everything was most certainly logical. She'd jiggle her leg to burn calories, but it was also a sign of her impatientness to leave the table as soon as she could. She hid food under food, making it look like she'd eaten more than she actually had, even though she wasn't fooling anyone and deep down, she knew it.

She glowered at anyone who dared to stare at her while she ate, yet she stared at herself. She made eye contact with herself in her reflection on the chrome plate and silverware as she consumed her meals, and she wouldn't break eye contact until each agonising bite had been chewed, chewed, chewed, and finally swallowed, or dumped in a strategically placed napkin positioned on her lap.

She'd walk around the castle at night, when her room got too suffocating. She needed to stretch, and move and run and jump and be free. She wanted to feel free. So she'd pace down corridors at night, dragging her fingers across the wall beside her. Most nights, someone came and disturbed her. Usually Lance or Keith, whining something about their beauty sleep. Under the guise of 'Getting a drink of water', they usually sighed, shook their heads, and went back to their rooms, leaving Pidge to wander further and further from the kitchen into the depths of the rapidly darkening castle.

It was all logical. It was all part of the plan. Everything was worked out exactly. The exact calories in each spoonful of food goo, and the amount of exercise needed to burn it off. It wasn't 100% accurate though. Pidge rounded up, her overestimates leading to more exercise, which of course, led to more weight gain.

She felt powerful. She felt like she was fooling everyone.

It wasn't until she got up the pass the synthesised sodium chloride to Lance that her secret was somewhat revealed. 

'Hey, Pidge. Pass us the salt.' Lance said, still with a mouthful of food. Pidge gave him a disgusted glare, before rising from her seat to reach across the table to pass it to Lance. Bad decision.

Immediately, her napkin full of food fell to the floor with a hefty 'Splat!'. Pidge immediately tried to cover the sound with a cough, but this didn't work, as Allura gave Pidge a quizzical look before asking 'What the quiznak was that?'.

Pidge attempted to laugh it off with a confused shrug and a sheepish expression, but Shiro bent down to have a look under the table. Pidge heard a deep exhale, as Shiro returned to them all, crossing his arms and raising an eyebrow.

'Pidge, why is your food literally all over the floor?' He questioned. Hunk, sitting next to Pidge looked very upset indeed, as he always thought Pidge loved hid cooking. 'Is there something wrong with it? Does it taste weird? Don't you like it?' He fired questions at her, looking as if he was about to tear up.

Pidge decided not to look at him, instead plopping back down in her seat, her face quickly turning red with embarrassment. 'I- Uh...' She struggled to come up with an answer as she watched everyone wait for her bullshit answer. 'It was... it was for the mice!' She quickly exclaimed, clearly proud of her answer. 'Y'know? I just love those little guys... Ahahaha...' She laughed to herself, as she watched Shiro lean back in his seat, clearly not convinced with her answer.

'I'm, uh... I'm gonna go get a mop...' she mumbled, rising to her feet and excusing herself from the table. She almost thought that she'd gotten away with it, as she was almost halfway to the door when she was interrupted by Keith.

'Wait.' He stated, clearly, in an almost menacing tone. Pidge quietly cursed to herself as she turned around to face him. To her surprise, he was holding up an empty water pack with a raised eyebrow.

'Get me some more water?' 

Fucking Keith.


	5. Cryptic

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Words spilled out of Pidge's mind, rather than her mouth. It's now up to the others to decipher the situation, and the green paladin.

Ethereal. She felt ethereal. She was floating, luminous, heavenly. Sickly sweetnesses hung in the dense air, suffocating her with sugar. It was a scent that she had long missed.

Her blonde hair billowed around her, like golden feathery wings. She was ready to flap them and fly away. She would fly away from this place, and never come back. Alas, she didn't know what this place was. She didn't know where she was.

She also didn't know who she was, or what she was, but she chose to ignore that in favour of gazing at her green hands that seemed to ripple as the wind blew through the trees.

Her dreams always seemed to bring her here, though she seldom dreamed. Pidge, that was. This creature seemed to dream all of the time.

But right now, Pidge wasn't Pidge. She was... Whoever this creature was. And this creature knew nothing of 'Pidge'. This creature didn't really know of anything at all.

All the other times she'd been here, she'd felt like she was somehow not really there. But right now, she was there. And she was THERE. She felt as if she was everything. The flowers, the leaves. Her quintessence ran through everything and anything. She'd never felt so peaceful, so tranquil, but it couldn't last. It couldn't last...

____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

There was a knock on the door.

Pidge immediately snapped open her eyes and groaned slightly, before rising from her bed and placing her feet on the floor with a heavy thud. Pidge winced at the sound, but rose to her feet anyway.

There was another knock on the door, this time louder.

"Hang on! I'm coming, God." She yelled while shuffling over to the door. She didn't know why whoever it was didn't just barge in anyway. Everyone else seemed to.

She opened the door to a slightly irritated looking Keith with his arms folded. He was holding some protein bar in one hand which Pidge really hoped wasn't for her.

"What?" Pidge asked, leaning on the door frame, feeling slightly light headed after suddenly getting up. The sharp greeting didn't seem to impress the red paladin who sighed and looked away from her.

"Took you long enough to get the door."

"I was napping." Pidge shot back.

Keith shrugged at this response, not really seeming to care for her excuses.

"No wonder, you're running around the castle at all hours. It's irritating as hell. Don't you ever sleep like a normal person?".

"Did you need something, Keith?" Pidge practically spat out at him, too tired to deal with his shit. She hadn't eaten, she hadn't slept, and she really didn't care how she came across to people.

"Shiro wanted me to give you this," He began, holding out the protein bar to Pidge. She wrinkled her nose and reluctantly took it from him.

"And Coran wanted me to assure you that the mice are extremely well fed, so you don't need to worry."

"Oh, uh, cheers." Pidge mumbled, looking to her feet. She noticed Keith didn't make any effort to leave. 

"Do you need something else?" She asked him, her face softening slightly as she saw a look of what could be deciphered as nervousness spread across his. 

"The others... They, uh... They wanted me to ask you if anything was going on with you?"

Pidge raised an eyebrow and folded her arms defensively. She opened her mouth to respond to him, but was interrupted by Keith continuing to burble on.

"I mean, Pidge, they're worried. They think there's something going on with your eating. But it's fine, right? They're just being paranoid?".

Pidge sighed, looking away from Keith's somewhat anxious face. "Hunk already asked me this, and I'll tell you what I told him. I'm fine. Absolutely, 100% fine." She murmured to him, the words tasted sour in her mouth, but she didn't know what else to say.

"Ok, whatever, if you're sure." Keith said shrugging. Pidge stepped out from the doorway, and turned around to face the room. She heard the automatic doors close behind her, as she slumped where she stood. God, she was tired.

She looked down at the protein bar in her hands. What was even in that thing? Excessive amounts of calories, probably. Calories that she didn't need. 

She threw it at the trash can in the corner of the room. It hit the wall, then dropped in with a satisfying THUNK. Pidge did a mini fist pump to herself, but her victory celebration was quickly interrupted.

"What the fuck?" 

Pidge spun around to face a disgusted looking Keith. He hadn't left. And he'd just watched her slam dunk the food he'd brought her right in the bin.

"Keith-"

"So there is something wrong? And you just straight up lied to me?"

"I just-"

"You just WHAT, exactly, Pidge?" He snapped back, his face quickly turning red. He turned away from her. He was upset. Why was he so upset? Why did he even give a shit?

"It's not what it looks like, Keith. I just-" She managed to choke out, her voice wavering, her entire body shaking.

"Well, to me it sure looks like you're fucking anorexic or something. Hiding food? Straight up throwing it away? Is that what all the shit at night is about too? I should've noticed, it was so obvious-"

Pidge looked shocked at his words, but her shock quickly turned into anger. 

"I'm not anorexic." She hissed to him.

"What's going on then? What are you-"

"Oh, now you ask me instead of just assuming, real fucking nice, Keith!" She yelled, her voice gradually increasing in volume until she was practically screaming at him.

Keith opened his mouth about to shoot back a bitter response, but was interrupted by the door opening to a very stressed out looking Shiro, and a concerned Allura hovering behind him.

"Guys! Guys, what is going on in here!" He stated bluntly, though it was more of a command to shut up than a question that required an answer.

This didn’t seem to bother Keith, who responded with a loud "I don't know, Shiro! Ask her!" And an accusing point at Pidge, who folded her arms defensively and sniffed, though she meant it as a somewhat aggressive gesture, rather than a sign she was about to burst into tears.

"You're the one who came in here and started this shit!" Pidge snapped back to him, her voice wildly wavering and she unfolded her arms and waved them around somewhat wildly. 

Shiro, clearly out of his depth looked very concerned and slightly dumbfounded at the entire situation. Allura quickly shifted into the room past Shiro, taking up the role of space parent.

She pressed the red button on the wall for the intercom, and spoke into it through gritted teeth.

"Everyone, compulsory meeting in the common room. Right now." She then released the button, and quickly walked out of the room in order to head to the common room.

She turned back to the others still standing in Pidge's room. "We are sorting this out, now. Enough of this bickering nonsense." 

Allura then snapped her fingers, and the red, black and green paladins followed behind her, if somewhat reluctantly.


	6. Callous

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Starve, eat, rinse, repeat.

"I told you - I just... I just haven't been feeling well." Pidge continued to rip the tissue in her lap into shreds, and those shreds into more shreds, as Hunk rubbed soothing circles on her back, comforting her.

"What kind of not well? Physically? Mentally?" Shiro asked, pressing for answers. Pidge sat, sandwiched between Hunk and Lance. Shiro and Allura sat across from the Garrison trio, as Coran perched on the armrest next to Allura. 

Keith, however, stood next to Shiro, arms folded, a bitter expression plastered across his face. He wouldn't look at Pidge, instead focusing on the wall behind them all. Pidge watched as his lips tightened and his brow furrowed every time she spoke. It didn't do much for the incredible anxiety she was feeling right now.

She opened her mouth, as if about to say something, but then shut it again quickly, her eyes flickering back to the kleenex confetti in her lap.

"Pidge, we just want to know so that we can help you." Shiro continued on, in his fatherly tone. Allura, sitting next to him stared to her feet, not knowing what to say. The confidence she'd had earlier had gone, and she'd now passed the baton onto Shiro - it was his turn to play the role of space parent.

"Just... I'm just..." Pidge began, her sentence trailing off at the end. She felt awful. The encounter with Keith had been less than ideal, and she felt too exhausted to even string a sentence together, let alone comprehend what Shiro was saying so she could come up with a suitable excuse.

She swallowed, and took a deep breath, willing herself to speak.

"I'm sorry, I just..." 

'Just what, Pidge?' Her voice screamed at her inside her head. 'You can't tell them! They'd just try and stop you! And you can't have that. You can't stop now.'

She shut her eyes for a brief moment. 'They'd only try and stop me because it's unhealthy.' She argued back against the voice. She knew it was wrong, it was so wrong. She was a paladin of Voltron, she was a defender of the universe. She was too wrapped up in her own shit to notice anything else that was going on around her. She was so selfish.

"I guess I'm just homesick. We've been out here for so long - I just don't feel... Right, anymore. Or maybe I've got some space flu or something. I- I don't know. I'm sorry." 

The fog that had settled throughout the room seemed to thin a little. Shiro straightened up, and Lance reached for her hand. A soft smile crept across Allura's face, wary, but a smile all the same. Keith still wore the same sour expression, clearly not convinced by her words.

"What about all the food?" Keith muttered quietly under his breath. Coran turned to him, cupping a hand behind his ear. 

"What was that, my boy? Didn't quite catch that." 

Keith gave an irritated sigh, unfolded his arms, and looked Pidge right in the eyes. She quickly looked away, but he kept his gaze fixed on her.

"What about all the food, Pidge? Wanna explain all your exercising? And hiding food? That's not normal Pidge, that's just... That's just not..." 

Pidge looked up at him, eyes desperate. He looked at her, really looked at her. Her face seemed hollow, sunken somehow. She looked so... empty. Dark rings loomed around her eyes as evidence of sleepless nights. He looked down to her hands, rapidly ripping tissue. Her fingernails were blue, and splintering. Her hands shook, as did the rest of her body.

He couldn't look at her anymore. A lump formed in Keith's throat, as he blinked back tears. She was killing herself. But if she was too selfish to accept help, then she didn't deserve it. She didn't deserve an single tick more of his attention. She wasn't worth it.

"Never mind. I'm going to the training deck." He muttered, turning on his heel, and walking from the common room.

"Keith! Wait-" Lance yelled after him, rising to his feet, dropping Pidge's hand to her side.  
Shiro butted in. "Let him go. He needs to cool off."

Sighing, Lance slowly returned to his seat. Shiro rubbed his face with his flesh hand, unsure of what to do next. Luckily for him, Allura piped in with her commands.

"Coran, I'd appreciate it if you could arrange a full body scan for Pidge, as well as a check of vitals. I want to make sure that there are no physical issues affecting them. If something is physically wrong, then it is important that we fix it."

Pidge winced at the word 'fix'. Was she broken? She felt a shiver creep through her body. If she was a computer, then maybe she could be 'fixed'. But unfortunately, she wasn't a computer. How tragic.

"Of course, Princess. Just give me a few doboshes and we'll be good to go." Coran said, as he rose to his feet, and headed for the door.

Hunk patted Pidge's shoulder affectionately. "I'll go and make some tea. Tea always helps." Shiro and Allura nodded in agreement.

"Pidge, please head to the medical bay. We'll meet you there soon." Allura stated, rising to her feet, and gesturing for the others to do so.

As Hunk, Allura and Shiro left the room, Lance hung back, grabbing Pidge by the shoulder as she began to walk away.

"Pidge," He began, clearing his throat, "I know what you're doing." She raised an eyebrow in response to this. Lately, everyone seemed to know what she was doing better than she did. She was getting pretty blooming tired of it.

"Oh, really? What am I doing then?" She shot back to him, irritated. 

Looking slightly shaken by her response, Lance quickly composed himself.

"Pidge, it's bad. And I'm not going to tell you to stop, or yell at you, or grass you out to Shiro... But I just needed to tell you that - that it's bad."

She could've worked that one out for herself if her dizziness, hair loss and constantly shivering body was anything to go off of. But it wasn't bad, not yet anyway. She was pretty sure that she hadn't lost much weight, she still looked fat in the mirror. Fatter, even. Though she hated the thought of that, despite it plaguing her mind for most of the day.

Pidge responded with a quiet "Okay." before leaving for the medical bay. 

\----------

Pidge had been told that she weighed approximately 68.6 pirhends. When she asked Coran if he could translate that into pounds of kilograms, he looked confused, but mostly downright offended.

When she'd asked if 68.6 pirhends was bad, her answer earned her a cryptic shrug from Coran, whom was too busy trying to find iron supplements for her, if they even had such a thing.

Apart from a slightly lower than average blood pressure, and low iron levels, Pidge was fine. Or she thought she was fine. She mostly zoned out, trying to figure out what the hell 68.6 pirhends meant. She couldn't help but feel a little disappointed. She'd worked so hard, given up so much, for only 68.6 pirhends. And low blood pressure, but Coran just blamed that on adjusting to the artificial gravity.

Hunk escorted her back to her room after the examination. Shiro, satisfied with the results, headed to the training deck to update Keith (Not that he cared or anything.) And Lance had been roped into helping clean up the infirmary with Coran.

Pidge walked with Hunk's warm arm wrapped around her, the cup of what seemed like herbal tea replacing the bitter aftertaste of the iron supplement with a refreshing sweetness. Her heart almost skipped a beat at that. How much sugar was in this thing? How much had she drank? She shook her head to get rid of the thoughts, she was just being ridiculous.

She'd pour the rest of the tea down the sink when he was gone.

"You okay?" Hunk asked her as the door to Pidge's room slid open.

"Yeah, I'm fine. Just super tired." Pidge responded, yawning for extra emphasis.

"Take a nap or something. It's been a long day."

Pidge nodded in response to this, unhooking herself from Hunk, and setting the tea on her desk. 

"I mean, I'm glad it's all out in the open now. We can help each other, and stuff. I was really worried about you." He continued.

"Mm-hm," Pidge mumbled in response, looking across her desk, which was filled with green goo, pink goo, those yellow berry things, some of his new and improved Altean cookies, among other things. "What's all this?" She asked, turning to him.

He responded with a sheepish grin. "Thought you might be hungry. Food always makes me feel better."

Pidge responded with a tired smile. "Thanks, Hunk." 

He grinned, and headed for the door. "It's totally fine. Enjoy your nap - and the food." He winked at her. If it wasn't Hunk, she would've considered that last part to have some sort of malicious intent behind it. 

Hearing the door close behind her, she turned to check, and make sure that there was definitely no one was there. She looked back to the food. One bite couldn't hurt? Besides she'd been so good...

She dipped her finger in the pink goo. Sweet. She dipped it in the green goo. Salty. She dipped it in the pink and green goo. Sweet and salty. Her eyes scanned over the desk. Those cookies looked good. She gave a cautionary sniff, before taking a delicate nibble. God, it tasted amazing too. 

Soon enough, Pidge was shoving handfuls of the stuff on the table into her mouth, swallowing it down, barely giving herself time to chew. She was so hungry, she felt so empty, and she needed to fix that now. 

She shoveled the strange, alien foods into her mouth, not carol for taste, or texture. She was just trying to subdue the roaring black hole that was her stomach. God, she was still so hungry. Her eyes darted around the room, looking for anything else to eat. They stopped on the trashcan. Was she about to eat from the fucking trash? The protein bar was sealed, it didn't matter.

Gnawing on the protein bar, she caught sight of herself in the shiny chrome wall. Cheeks stuffed full of food, food still in her hands, food all over the room - she was a monster. 

Immediately she threw what was left of the protein bar onto the ground, and spat the contents of her mouth into the bin. She was disgusting, she was absolutely disgusting. She'd worked so hard - she'd worked so fucking hard, and now she was about to be fat again. She couldn't be fat again, she couldn't -

On the verge of a dizzying anxiety attack, Pidge stumbled into the bathroom, nausea and sheer panic taking over her body. She squeezed her stomach, pinched every bit of fat which she wished she could just remove, as she knelt by the toilet. She brought two fingers to her mouth, and gagged.

And in one swift movement, it was all erased.


	7. Catastrophic

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> And suddenly she was drowning,  
>  drowning,  
>  drowning...

She was getting tired of this place. Before, she was eager to explore this strange new environment, and look at her strange new face, but now she was just tired. She was so tired of everything.

She took these dreams as an escape. In the dreams she didn't feel the cold, or the hunger, or the pain that she felt every single moment. In these dreams she was alone, and yet she couldn't decipher what they were supposed to mean. 

So there she lay, golden locks draped across an aching body as she lay exhausted. She ran her fingers through the seemingly opalescent water, and watched as ripples danced across the surface. 

"I'm sorry..." Her voice whispered, even though she didn't realise that she'd opened her mouth. 

She felt her mouth open again, but a hand covered her mouth and wrapped around her throat, and she was choking, choking-

\----

Pidge awoke on a cold bathroom floor. Frozen, alone, and disorientated, she strained to put herself into an upright position. The sickening smell of the contents of her stomach hung in the air. Sighing, she flushed the toilet and watched her mistake go swirling away. 

She wasn't stupid though, she knew that she had to have absorbed some sort of calories. She needed to burn them off, that was all she could do, after all.

Staggering to her feet, Pidge faced herself in the mirror to see an unfamiliar face looking back at her. Puffy cheeks, and puffier eyes lined with red and black. Tear tracks led down her face, mixing with the bile that had dripped onto her chin. Her skin was blotchy, and pale, and covered in tiny white downy hairs. She smoothed a shaking finger across her cheek, and was surprised by it's coldness. She shut her eyes as she ran her fingers through her hair. It felt thin, and weak. A few strands came away in her hands, which Pidge immediately dropped to the floor. Not good enough. Not yet.

Even in the stranger's face she still saw Matt's eyes. His nose. His eyebrows. It was all still there. She just wanted to rip it all off and start again. Start everything again. Reset the game, she was too tired to play anymore.

More than anything else, she felt scared. And disgusted. And disappointed. She was so disappointed in herself. She'd inflicted this upon herself. She wasn't well, and she could see that. Taking a deep shuddering breath, she knew that she still had to continue on. It was painful, but it wouldn't be painful for long.

Pidge knew the outcomes - she could succeed, and be thin and beautiful and she'd be satisfied. Or she'd slow down, and eventually stop working and die. Either of those options was find by her. She wasn't happy anyway and dying sounded pretty good a lot of the time.

Staggering into the main room, Pidge looked around at the wreckage she'd left. Empty plates, crumbs and morsels of food all over the floor, the trash can was tipped over, and Pidge refused to let herself remember why.

Turning away from it, she faced the door. Sighing, she stumbled across to the door keypad, entering a code with shaking fingers. They weren't meant to lock it, but she couldn't have anyone coming in and stopping her.

She needed this. She fucking needed this so badly, and no one understood. No one could ever understand how she felt. God, she sounded like the edgelord Keith himself. She shook her head to get rid of the thoughts. No, this was about her, not them. It was only her that she needed to focus on. 

The door locked with a satisfying 'click', as Pidge turned to face the room once more. She'd deal with it later. She'd deal with it all later. Picking up her primitive mp3 player cobbled together from spare parts, she turned the loud techno songs right up, connecting them to the speakers, trying to drown everything out. Her thoughts, her words, she just couldn't breathe anymore, it was all too much -

She needed to burn it off. Just burn it all off. It'd be fine.

\------

The loud music echoed throughout the empty castle. Eventually, paladins had gathered outside the door, knocking, telling her to turn it down, then eventually banging and pleading her to open the door. Was she okay? Why was the door locked?

Shiro came down the corridor to the source of the noise to find Lance and Keith trying to break the door down through kicks, and pushes, and eventually just straight up punches of desperation. Hunk was attempting to yell to Pidge to 'Please open the door!', through tearful eyes and a wavering voice.

"What's going on?" Shiro asked, expecting the worst, though he was unsure of what the worst could be right now.  
"She won't open the door!" Hunk wailed to him, with pleading eyes for him to just do something.

This wasn't like her, this wasn't ever like her. She was quiet, she wasn't particularly open but she was never this private. 

On the other side of the door, Pidge's exercise was dizzying. She didn't know how much longer she could go on. Collapsing to her knees and reaching for the mp3 player, she paused the music.

Everything was silent, for a brief moment. But not peacefully, it was deafening, it filled the room and swallowed her up whole and the only sound was her own heavy breathing and her heart pounding in her ears.

Outside the door, the others, stunned by her silence, stopped everything. That is until Shiro stepped forward, giving a loud, clear knock on the metallic door with his Galra arm. The sound of metal on metal harsh, causing Pidge to wince.

"I'm busy right now!" Pidge called out, in as normal a voice as she could muster, her heart still pounding a mile a minute.  
"Pidge, can you please unlock the door? You're not supposed to lock them, you know that." Shiro called out to her, calm and authoritative.

"I- I know, there's just loads of delicate machinery around and I don't want anyone touching it." She called back, still heaving to herself, as she swallowed back bile.

"We're not going to touch it, just please open the door. We need to know that you're okay." Shkro responded calmly. The paladins on the other side of the door had a suspicion that she was lying, Lance rubbed his face with both hands, and Hunk looked about ready to bite his nails, and quite possibly his fingers off with anxiety. Keith stood, leaning against the wall, his brows furrowed as if in deep thought. 

Shiro just looked tired. 

"Yeah, hang on, just a sec." She mumbled to herself, as she attempted to scramble to her feet. An overwhelming wave of dizziness overcame her, leaving her stumbling around for something to grab onto. Her vision was black, she couldn't see anything.

"You're okay." She whispered to herself, as she tried to gain control of her body again. She was tired, she was so tired. And cold. And hungry. Her stomach wailed miserably, empty. Pidge felt like wailing too. She desperately wanted someone to tell her that it'd all be okay, she wanted someone to hold out their arms and take her into them and just hold her-

No, she didn't. She didn't want anyone to touch her, anyone to see her. Not like this - Pidge was weak. So weak. She didn't deserve the name Katie, not yet. 'When would she?' She asked herself. 'When you're skinny.' She responded. But deep down she knew that day would never come. She'd never be satisfied. Nothing would ever be enough.

"Are you going to open the door or not?" Keith snapped from the other side of the door, impatiently, with an edge of concern to his voice. Maybe if she didn't respond, they'd just go away. Leave her alone. That's all she wanted. 

Breathing heavily, she leaned against the wall. She closed her eyes, just for a moment, before Keith's voice shocked her back to reality once more.  
He'd tried to tell himself that he didn't care, but Pidge was like family now, the little sister he'd never had - he had to help her. They all did.

"Pidge, if you don't open the door Shiro's gonna fry the keypad." He called out to her, hoping no one would notice the edge to his voice.

"I'm not gonna fry the key-"

"Shiro! ¡Cierra la boca! It's working!" Lance shot back in a harsh whisper.

Surely enough, they heard Pidge slowly stumble across to the keypad and haphazardly punch the code in. The door unlocked, and Shiro opened it. He was faced with Pidge's sickly and greying face.

"See? 'M fine." She wheezed out, a sweat bead trickling down her forehead. The room smelt like bile, but he ignored the disgusting scent in favour of Pidge.

"You really don't look fine." He said, putting his hand on her forehead. She winced at the touch, backing away from him. 

"Well I am!" She snapped back, as Shiro entered the room, looking around at the wreckage. The other paladins also entered, looking scared by the sight that met them.

The only part of the room that didn’t seem to have been hit by hurricane Pidge was the bed, which looked as if it had scarcely been slept in.

"We're going to the med bay." Shiro responded through gritted teeth. He knew now that it was definitely more than homesickness.

"But I was just there!" She cried out, desperately. "The scans said I was fine! There's nothing wrong with me!"

Lance wrapped an arm around her, as Hunk set about piling up the empty dishes, with a grim look on his face.

"Está bien, I promise. I know it's scary, but it's okay. You need to go." Lance murmured into her hair. She could feel his bony body, his ribs and collarbones digging into her. She shivered at his touch, ducking out from his grasp. She was disgusted, not with him, but with herself. She knew that she could never reach that standard. She could never be that skinny, she was too weak.

"I don't NEED anything!" She exclaimed in anguish, leaving the others shocked. "You don't - you don't know what I need!" She cried out, tears forming in her eyes and threatening to spill. They didn't know. None of them knew. None of them could understand.

Pidge leaned against the cold metal wall, as a shiver coursed through her cold body. She was so tired...

"-idge?" A voice called out, but it was too distant. Too far away for her. She didn't have the energy to decipher the words anymore.

"-hat's wrong? -you okay?" She didn't feel okay. She felt her vision swimming as she tried to look around at her surroundings. There was only black, only black that was choking her, drowning her, she couldn't breathe -

And suddenly she was drowning,  
drowning,  
drowning...

Then she fell into solid arms.


	8. Chagrined

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Predictive text. Fingers hover  
> above a qwerty keyboard.  
> Letter E.   
> Every. Each. Eat.  
> Eat.  
> Tap eat. Eating.  
> Suggestions make my heart break.  
> Eating a ____. Eating habits. Eating disorder.  
> Eating disorder.  
> Where to next?   
> Where to go?  
> Eating disorder. Tap, tap.  
> Eating disorder ___________  
> Eating disorder signs.  
> Too many times.  
> Eating disorder help.   
> Help in the wrong way. The worst way.  
> Eating disorder recovery.  
> Recovery.  
> Bite off more than you can chew.  
> Recovery.  
> Step on the scales and smile in safety.  
> Recovery. Tap, tap.  
> Recovery.

Usually, when you wake up, you hear sounds, or you smell or taste something first. Similarly, when you die, sight is the first thing to go, hearing is the last. Even after your heart has stopped beating, there's conclusive scientific proof that you can still hear.

Pidge considered how terrifying it must be to hear yourself flatline, hear your loved ones crying, but also how comforting it must be to hear their last words to you, before you go to wherever you go after death.

Pidge wasn't quite sure if she was dead or not - she'd had plenty of near death experiences, being a totally reckless child and a paladin of Voltron will do that to you. This wasn't like any of those times at all.

She opened her eyes to bright, white light, and for a second, she wondered if she was in some heavenly place. This dream wasn't anything like the others she'd had - there was no wind whistling through leaves, or the gentle rush of a stream. She could hear nothing.

It was like when Matt used to put the TV on mute to see if he could lip read, except there were no subtitles. Just shadows moving in her peripheral vision, which she couldn't quite see.

It wasn't until Pidge felt a sharp pinch on the back of her hand that all the sound came flooding back.

"Ow, fuck." She mumbled, straining to keep her eyes open as Shiro's face came into view, hovering above hers. She was pretty sure it was Shiro, her eyes were still a bit blurry.

"Pidge! Pidge! Can you hear me?" He called out to her, loud and clear. Though a little too much on the 'loud' part.

"Yeah, yeah, I can hear you..." She muttered, mildly irritated by his loud voice. She didn't feel groggy, she felt like she'd just woken up from a nap - refreshed, if still not quite awake yet.

She could hear voices muttering behind her head, as she strained to listen to what they were saying in vain. Sighing, she raised the pinched hand up so she could just about see it.

Sticking out of the back of it was some kind of fancy Altean contraption, the closest Earth relative probably being an IV.   
"What's the for?" She asked, waving around her hands, curling her fingers into a fist, and unflexing it again.  
"Fluids. Coran said dehydration was the most likely cause of your - what was it called? ...Syncope." 

"Oh." She responded bluntly, wondering what was in the IV. It all seemed extremely excessive, she'd just fainted, that was all. At least, she thought she did.

"Syncope means fainting, right."

"Yeah, technically." 

Pidge nodded slowly, before attempting to push herself up. She was lying on some kind of infirmary table/bed type thing. It wasn't particularly comfortable, but she supposed it was better than a pod. She shuddered slightly at that thought. ANYTHING was better than a pod. 

Shiro supported her, with a hand on her back, as Pidge swung her legs off the side of the table, and tried to get up. 

Bad move. 

Immediately, she crumbled to the floor, her vision going black for a second then reappearing as two pairs of arms hoisted her back up to her feet.

"Pidge! Are you quite alright?" Coran's voice cut through the stunned silence, as Pidge realised one of the pair of arms belonged to him. She assumed the others belonged to Shiro.

"Yeah, I'm great." She muttered bitterly as she was dragged back onto the bed, feeling somewhat disorientated.

"It's very important to keep hydrated, number five. We can't have you passing out in the heat of battle now, can we?" Pidge didn't offer a response, instead focusing on the muttering from behind the bed.

"What's going on?" She called out, as she attempted to tilt her head back to face them.

"Hunk doesn't like needles!" Lance called back, accented by a groan from Hunk.

More mumbling.

"Neither does Keith!"

Pidge heard the sound of what she assumed was a punch and a yelp from Lance.

"Not true!"

"Now, now. I don't believe anyone LIKES needles. Please calm down, Pidge needs peace and quiet to rest." Allura's voice cut through the rabble like knife through the Altean equivalent of butter.

"We need to run some more tests, I'm sure Pidge has picked up an illness of some sort, it's the only explanation for this." She continued, her pause interrupted by a haughty snort which Pidge was guessing was from Keith.

Pidge felt slightly deflated at Allura's conclusion. Maybe she wasn't ill at all, at least not in the way she wanted to be. She pushed the thought out of her mind. She didn't want to be ill at all, that was a horrible thing to think. Allura was right, it was a disease of some kind. There was no way it could be a-

She could have a-

Pidge winced at the words, as they snaked into her mind, as evil and cunning as their meaning.

Eating disorder.

No, no. She didn't have any kind of eating disorder. Keith was wrong. Lance was wrong. It was just a diet (though a pretty fucked up one at that), it was all healthy (except for the vomiting), she wasn't hiding anything (nevermind all the food in various nooks and crannies around the place).

She was fine, she was totally fine. (She wasn't.) She was. (Fine, she was.)

And she'd prove it to herself. 

"Can we get some food first? I'm pretty hungry." She stated in a slightly unconvincing tone as she propped herself up on her elbows. She looked across to Shiro, who was blinking somewhat slowly. She hoped it wasn't in disbelief.

"Yeah, yeah, of course. Do you want us to bring you something?" He responded, slightly unsure of what to say in back to the frail girl on the bed who claimed she was starving. He could believe that part, sadly. The "Can we get some food?" was the bit that threw him.

"Nah, it's fine. I'll go to the dining room." She said, swinging her legs over the side of the bed, this time much more carefully and slowly. She heard quick, light footsteps make their way over to her, and she was soon being supported by Lance as she gingerly rose to her feet, holding onto Lance with one arm, and the IV pole with the other. It all looked quite comical as they slowly made their way to the dining room.

\-----

A plate of green goo had never looked so daunting to Pidge. Wrapped in a blanket, with dark circles under her eyes and an IV in her left hand and a spoon in her shaking right one, she looked a sorry state.

Numbers and calculations ran through Pidge's mind behind slightly glazed over eyes, as the plate looked bigger and scarier and more calorific.

Not that that mattered to her at all of course.

She'd insisted the others join her for the meal, and so they sat, having a late lunch, or an early dinner, or possibly even a midnight snack. It was hard to keep track of time when the sky looked the same all of the time.

As usual, Allura sat at the head of the table, Coran to her left, and Shiro to her right. Keith and Lance sat close together, also as per usual. 

Keith sat, steadily making his way through the plate as he listened to Lance babble on about this, that and the other. He'd load his spoon with food, bring it to his mouth, then suddenly interrupt himself, going onto a whole other train of thought, dropping the spoon to his plate with a clatter.

Pidge enjoyed the fact that Lance filled up the silence, but it was so strange, considering the events of earlier that day. They'd been yelling at each other, screaming, crying, pointing fingers, accusing.

And now, here they were, sharing a meal and politely listening to Lance carry on his anecdotes about his cousins, and siblings, and the rest of his extended family.

As grateful as she was, Pidge was also extremely jealous. She wished that she could get away with eating as little as he did, but she sat, and she knew that everyone was watching her. Keith wasn't even being subtle about it. His eyes flickered back and forth from Pidge's full plate, to Pidge, and back again.

Hunk, whom was sitting next to Pidge, simply glanced at her plate every so often, himself not eating much upon being sat right next to Pidge's IV. It stared him bitterly in the face. He shuddered, catching Pidge's attention.

"You okay?" She whispered to him. Not looking at her, Hunk nodded quickly. "Are you?" He questioned back, earning a "Not as hungry as I thought I was." From Pidge.

She wasn't hungry at all. These days, she had trouble telling when she was empty and when she was full it was frustrating, but also strangely comforting. She didn't feel anything, and that was okay. There was no pain, no guilt, just cold, and tiredness.

She pushed her plate forwards a little bit, giving her space to rest her head on the table. It was incredibly rude, of course, and Pidge could feel Allura's death stare boring into her skull, but in this moment, she hardly cared.

She was tired, and she was going to sleep wherever she damn well pleased.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for your comments, I value every single one of them, and they are what make me continue writing! Predictive disorder has been such a weird experience to me, and I've read a lot of my old ED diaries to try and captivate that pain and denial that I felt. I remember so little from that time, I don't know if I blocked it out, or if I just wasn't recording in the first place.  
> Seems so wild that I've literally lost three years of my life, so here's hoping that the next three years will be much better, and that you'll stick with me! c: xx


	9. Careless

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> And just like that, it all came crashing down. And it was awful - it was so, so awful.

Once more, she was in that strange place. But now she was looking into the eyes that were not her own, and the green hands did not move when she commanded then too, instead pale, blotchy, shaking rose wavered in the air before dropping to her sides.

Pidge's sides, not the woman.

Said woman looked to be deep in some sort of prayer, hands clasped, but azure eyes stared back at her. How strange it was to study the body that she'd inhabited so many times. How strange it was that every time she blinked she expected those bright orbs to blink as well. 

How strange it was to be so jealous of the beauty of a stranger who was not a stranger at all.

"Who... Who are you?" Pidge managed to whisper out, scared that her voice would disturb the green surroundings. The face looking back at her fell into a deep frown, green skin crinkling as liquid gold started to fall.

"No - no! I'm sorry, don't cry!" Pidge continued, jerking a hand out, but then closing into a fist. She was scared to touch her. She'd said she was sorry before, she'd repeated it over and over and Pidge didn't know if those apologies were directed towards her.

She tried to analyse the situation as best as she could. 1. She'd asked the strange green lady who she was. 2. The strange green lady had burst into tears.  
The results from the analysis were in: Pidge still had no fucking clue what was going on.

"Guardian Spirit of the forest..." The woman began, as her green skin seemed to shift to different shades of the colour. One moment it was light, the next it had morphed into dark. It seemed to sparkle under the sunlight.

Pidge leaned forward, as the woman seemed to be addressing her. She felt so peaceful in this environment, so free. The fatigue of the real world didn't weigh her down here, and she wished that she could stay forever.

"I'm so sorry. But it is what is best..."

"Why are you sorry? What's wrong? Who are you?" 

The woman looked directly at Pidge, and the gold cascading down her face seemed to morph back into her eyes, colouring them a rich saffron. Those eyes. Those eyes! She knew those eyes so well-

"My paladin." She gave a sad smile, as she puzzle pieces started to slot into place.

"Green?" Pidge whispered, as the woman looked away, shaking her head dismissively.

"My paladin, your sickness has affected us both. You will take too much of a risk by piloting me - a risk you cannot take in your current state of health. You need to decide what is more important, paladin. I am sorry. You need to be well."

And suddenly, the liquid gold was flowing down Pidge's face, as the woman - or rather, green, rose to her feet. 

"Wait - please! I'm not sick, I don't need to be well-" 

But green was gone, and now Pidge was falling so much deeper into the hole that she'd dug for herself.

\-----

"Is she asleep?" Hunk whispered gesturing to the unconscious Pidge on the table. Allura rose from her seat slightly to gaze upon her sleeping form before sitting back down again.  
"I believe do, yes." She responded, putting her spoon down carefully so that it only made the slightest 'clink'.

"Should we wake her up?" Lance whispered across the table to Shiro, whom shook his head.  
"Let her rest. She must be exhausted." He stated, placing his spoon down also, albeit not as delicately.

"She hasn't eaten anything!" Keith whispered harshly.  
Shiro responded with a blunt "Leave it, Keith."  
"But she -"  
"I said leave it."

Hunk interrupted the scuffle by placing a finger to his lips and pointing to Pidge. The others watched as she seemed to writhe in discomfort, almost tossing and turning.

"She looks like she's having a nightmare..." Lance whispered, deflated. He couldn't believe that such a thing had taken ahold of Pidge - PIDGE of all people. It wasn't right. Nothing was right anymore.

Hunk reached out a hand, ready to gently shake her awake as her eyes snapped open, and she quickly jolted upright.

"Where's green?" She asked, rising to her feet.  
"Pidge, what -" Shiro asked, rising to his feet also.  
She turned to leave but realised that her hand was still connected to the IV and the IV pole.   
"I - I need to..." She muttered, ripping the IV out of the back of her hand and dropping it to the floor, earning her a stunned silence from the table, apart from Hunk, who had gone incredibly pale.

"Shit." She whispered, cradling her hand to her chest, as she continued on towards the doorway.  
"Where are you going?" Shiro asked, as he wove his way around the table to where Pidge was.

"I need to see green, where is she?"

"She's in the hangar - why... You don't need to see her right now?" 

Pidge shook her head as she walked out of the door, Shiro hot on her heels, the other paladins rising to their feet and following suit, apart from Hunk, who was still attempting not to gag from the sight of the IV on the floor.

"Pidge, you need to rest. You can see green tomorrow."

Ignoring him, she continued on towards the hangar.

"Pidge - can you please listen to me."

Her footsteps continued down the corridor.

"Pidge!" 

The footsteps stopped, as she turned on her heel to face him.

"What is it, Shiro?" She snapped at him, breathing heavily. It was only then that he saw exactly what Keith saw.

She looked so empty, and so very, very tired. Deathly dark rings loomed around her eyes creating harsh shadows which exaggerated the hollowness of her small and pale face. Her tiny frame seemed to sway and shake as she stood. She looked so frail, so sick. She wasn't herself.

He cursed to himself - how could he have let this happen? He'd promised to protect her, and he'd failed. He'd failed in the worst way. He should've noticed sooner. Shiro's heart spoke before his mind, his anger at himself projecting onto Pidge. 

"Enough of this ridiculousness. You need to stop. You scared us today, Pidge. And you've been keeping secrets. And lying. That's not what a team does. We're supposed to trust each other. And you've proved that you don't trust us, and that means we can't trust you. You're going to seriously hurt yourself if you keep this up, Pidge. You could die! Is that what you want? Do you want Matt and your dad to come back to find a skeleton?"

His face immediately softened, then morphed into a horrified expression as he realised the gravity of what he'd just said.

It took her a few moments to comprehend what he'd said too. But soon enough, big fat tears started rolling down Pidge's cheeks, and her whole frame shook with sobs.

Shocked at himself, Shiro reached out a hand towards her. He desperately wanted to hold her close, hug her, wipe away her tears, and tell her that he was sorry, that he was so, so, sorry.

"Pidge, I'm sorry, I didn't mean it - "

She slapped away his hand, turning away from him.

"You meant exactly what you said." She murmured softly to herself, before leaving the scene completely.


	10. Candor

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> She'd always been wrong. Everything about her had always been wrong, and it hurt. It hurt bitterly.

"Green? Green - it's me." Pidge ran her shaking hands across the smooth emerald metal of the lion.  
That dream she'd had - that woman - it couldn't have been her - could it?

As usual, Green had opened up to let her inside. But she felt different. She didn't feel like she usually did - not that Pidge was able to describe that feeling anyway.

Now she felt cold - and lifeless. The green hue of the lights didn't seem comforting. They felt alien and unwelcoming. Pidge put her head down on the dashboard, squeezing her eyes shut - pleading with herself to wake up, as if this was all just an awful dream.

"Please talk to me." She whispered, desperately hoping for some kind of response. Usually green purred, (Or gave some kind of vague rumble) usually she was comforting, in touch with her paladin's feelings - but now she felt as if she was invading on someone else's personal space. Like she was trespassing - like she really wasn't meant to be here.

She opened her eyes, as tears began to form, threatening to spill. She'd never felt so alone before. When Matt and Dad disappeared she'd had her mom...

She felt her heart skip a beat at that thought. Her mom was all alone. She'd lost all of her family. Pidge had done that to her. She'd lost her husband, her son. And now her daughter - she was one of the only ones who saw her as a daughter and not a son. Pidge wondered what her mother was doing now - what she'd thought had happened. Did she believe they were all dead? 

Tears rolled down her face. She'd cried far too much recently. She wasn't strong enough to do anything. She couldn't save the universe or do anything like that - she was just a child. 

Those words buzzed around her mind.

She was only a child.

She didn't want to die. She wanted so badly to see her family again. She just wanted to go back to earth and play video games with Matt and hug her mom and dad. She wanted her old life back - how could she have let this happen?

Pidge rose her head from the dashboard with a shaking breath and leaned back in the chair. She squeezed her eyes shut, hoping that she'd wake up from this awful nightmare, hoping that she'd see green again and all would be forgiven.

But when she opened her eyes, everything was silent, and scarily so. She didn't want to be alone.

\-----

Pidge had gone back to her room after meeting with Green, defeated by Green's lack of response to Pidge. She hadn't rejected her completely, but she wasn't as accepting. It was as if they were strangers. It was heartbreaking.

Opening the door to her room, Pidge looked around. It smelt of disinfectant, but not harshly so. Just clean. And safe. The dirty dishes were gone, and her bed had been made. Pidge's books were neatly piled up on her desk, and the machinery scattered around the room had thankfully not been touched.

She made a mental note to thank Hunk for that later - as he was the only one apart from Coran who understood the importance of leaving delicate machinery alone. She glanced across to the bed, but decided that she'd slept too much. She was tired, but she knew it was a kind of tired that sleep couldn't fix. 

Pidge felt broken. She just stood, looking around the room feeling more out of place than ever. She remembered when she'd worn a binder at the Garrison and swore that she could still feel it's phantom grasp around her chest, squeezing her tighter, and tighter...

She glanced across to the bathroom, toying with the idea of taking a hot shower - washing away all the dirt and grime from the last few days. She quickly pushed that thought out of her mind - she couldn't cope with the barren sight of her body right now. She probably really needed a shower, she couldn't remember the last time that she'd washed. Not that it mattered, anyway. She always been pretty lenient with self care. She'd gone days without eating, sleeping, drinking before. 

Pidge wondered what time it was. She kneeled down on the floor, dragging her laptop closer to her. She opened it, only to be faced with the documents and pages of her obsessive calorie counting and weight tracking - not that she'd figured out what a pirhend was yet. 68 sounded like too many kilograms, too little pounds. But she supposed it was like comparing apples and oranges - they were both fruits, but that was where the comparisons ended.

She wanted to delete them all, get rid of everything, just forget about, she wanted to be well. But that little voice in the back of her mind kept screaming at her 'You can't get well if there's nothing wrong with you! You're not sick! You aren't sick!'.

Hastily she closed the laptop lid, not wanting to think about that for the moment. She half shuffled across to the desk, picking up a book from the top of the pile. It was an Altean children's book. Pidge couldn't read Altean - she recognised some characters, but it was still an alien language.

When she'd expressed a desire to learn Altean, Coran had loaned her a few books from the Castle's library. She liked this one the best, if only for the beautiful illustrations of starry skies and faraway galaxies that she'd only dreamed of as a child. She loved the pictures of the Altean people too. They were all so unique, still with the same pointy ears and 2 eyes, a mouth and a nose - but they were like humans in the way that no two were exactly the same.

She was then interrupted by a knock on the door, causing her to almost drop the book.

If it was Shiro, she didn't want to talk to him. She decided to keep quiet - hoping that whoever it was would think she was sleeping and go away.

There was another knock.

Pidge waited with baited breath, not daring to make a sound that would possibly blow her cover.

"Pidge, it's just me - Lance. I know you're awake, I can see that your light is on."

"What is it?"

"Can I come in? I just want to talk."

"Just you?"

"It's just me."

"Fine."

The door opened to reveal Lance holding a cup of something with a frown on his face and furrowed brows. He was wearing a dressing gown, Pidge assumed with his pyjamas underneath.

"It's pretty late, how come you're still up?" Lance asked her, edging himself down to the floor so he was on the same level as Pidge.

She raised an eyebrow at him, closing her book, and putting it aside.  
"I could ask you the same thing - you're up too."

Sighing, Lance placed the cup on the ground as a tired smile spread across his face. "Fine - you got me there!" He said, putting his hands up in mock surrender.

Pidge looked back at him - he reminded her so much of Matt, sometimes.  
She looked down to the cup at his side.  
"What's in the cup?" She muttered, nodding her head towards it.

"Water and some calming herby stuff. It's from Hunk." He said shrugging and holding it out to her. "Smells pretty funky." She gave it a quick sniff, before wrinkling her nose at the foul smell.

"Yeah, I think I'll pass. Cheers though."

Lance shrugged again, returning it to its original position. His gaze lingered at the cup for few moments, before focusing on Pidge.

"Shiro wanted to say he's sorry. He didn't think that you'd want to see him." 

Pidge looked away, focusing on the book as she shook her head. 

"He's got nothing to be sorry for." 

"Pidge -"

"He's right, Lance. You know he is. It's not healthy. I just - I just... I don't know. It's complicated."

Lance frowned, his eyes still soft and kind, as he shuffled over to where Pidge was sitting. She closed her eyes, prepared to wince as Lance's bony arms wrapped around her, but to her surprise, theat embrace never came.

She opened her eyes to see him sitting next to her, knees to his chest, eyelids half closed.

"Pidge, did I ever tell you about my sister?"

"Which one?"

"My twin sister."

"I didn't know you had one."

"I... Not anymore."

Pidge felt Lance tense up at that. Her heart hurt for him. He'd lost a sibling too. She'd never realised. He'd never mentioned it...

Or maybe she'd just never listened.

"I'm so sorry, Lance." She murmured in response.

He shook his head in response to this, wrapping his arms around him.

"It's not your fault. It was no one's fault." Lance looked at her. His blue eyes seemed so dull, so worn out. Like he'd lived a million lives, fought a million battles. He looked so tired.

"She was my identical twin. You know I'm trans - right?" Not waiting for an answer, he continued on.

"We were both thirteen when it started. We were just how girls were. She was pink and pretty, I was tomboyish and sporty, but we were still just girls, focused on our appearance. You know how it is."

Pidge noticed a small smile sneak onto Lance's face as he reminisced about his sister, but it quickly fell into a deep frown.

"We were the same in every way. But... but then she got sick. And I got sick too. It was like some awful competition. We had to weigh less than the other, eat less than the other - " 

Lance stopped to take a deep and shuddering breath and he closed his eyes, not wanting to remember.

"She got put in inpatient. She... She had a heart attack. She died. She was only fourteen, Pidge."

Pidge wrapped her tiny arms around Lance's shaking form as he began to sob, for once not caring about the shoulder blades digging into her, or his protruding collar bones. It didn't matter. Nothing mattered.

"I recovered as best I could. I started transitioning shortly after. I- I couldn't stand to see her face every single time I looked in the mirror. Reminding me of what we'd done. What I'd done."

"I see Matt whenever I look in the mirror. I know Shiro sees him too, when he looks at me. I don't know what happened to him. I don't even know if he's still alive."

Pidge took a shaking breath. 

"I - I don't want to see him anymore Lance... If I could just get a bit thinner, work a bit harder..."

Lance untangled himself from her arms, wrapping his own around her, and holding her frail frame close. She felt as if she was about to snap in his arms. Memories of hugging his sister in the hospital came flooding back. He squeezed his eyes shut, desperately trying to forget. He could still see her emaciated form lying in the bed, too tired to even open her eyes.

"I can't lose anyone else to this shitty, shitty illness, Pidge. It's taken so many lives. I can't let it take yours too."

She nodded. She couldn't disappoint him... She knew it wasn't right - but nothing about her was right. She'd never been right. Always wrong. Wrong gender, wrong looks, wrong weight...

"Please, please don't tell the others, Lance. It's really not that bad... I can get better, I'll get better, I promise."

He opened his eyes and looked at her. Her skin was pale, greying even. He cheeks hollow, dark circles accenting her eyes. Her eyes were still brown, but now they were flecked with desperation, pleading him not to tell. 

Lance looked away from her.

"I - I..." He stammered, looking for the right words. The only words.

"I'm sorry, Pidge."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope that you're all doing well. I appreciate all the feedback, it warms my heart whenever I get a notification for a comment! c: Thank you so much, and please do keep safe xx   
> Please know that I don't condone any behaviours depicted in this, and I beg you all to seek help if you think you or someone you know may be suffering from an eating disorder.


	11. Corageous

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> She was still there - underneath it all. They knew she was still there. She, however, was not sure of this fact.

Another day had passed, another day had passed as pitiful silence echoed around the castle - deafening. No one knew what to say or do. There was nothing that they could say or do. There weren't any words that could fix it all, make it all better.

Pidge sat in her room, stagnating. The bowls of stale uneaten food next to her seemed daunting. She wanted to eat, she wanted so badly to eat, but it just wasn't possible. She couldn't let herself.

Squeezing her eyes shut, numbers floated past behind her eyes. Calories. Measurements. Centimetres. Metres. Pounds, stones, kilograms - it all blurred together after a while. Nothing meant anything after all - not really.

She wanted to badly for someone's arms to wrap around her and whisper in her ear that it would all be okay. She wished there was an instant cure - though she still hadn't quite accepted that she was ill. She wished that she could just go into the pods for a little while - and it would all be fixed.

Coran and Allura had suggested that, when they were notified of the situation. Hunk sadly had to explain why that wasn't possible, that it wasn't a physical sickness, but rather an affliction of the mind. Shiro had barely talked to anyone in days - blaming himself. Lance blamed himself. Pidge blamed herself. Everyone blamed themselves.

Pidge raked her brittle nails up and down shaking arms, the pain not bothering her. She was just glad to feel something. They'd suggested that she go back to earth, get better in a medical environment. But of course, that was just wishful thinking. They were in the middle of an intergalactic war, after all.

It was agreed that they would hide the castle ship in an undetectable area, until she got better. Lance tried to argue that it wasn't a week of bedrest and she'd be better, but there wasn't any choice. 

They were all just kids. They had no idea what to do.

Pidge had no idea what to do.

She hated herself. It was all her fault. She should've tried harder to stop Lance from telling everyone. She should've hidden it better.

The morning after Lance's confrontation, she was awoken by Hunk rubbing her back, with Keith standing in the doorway, his arms wrapped around a fiercely anxious Lance with tears spilling from his eyes.

"Lance told us everything. I'm so sorry." He murmured to her. She'd noticed that he couldn't quite look her in the eyes. That he couldn't quite look at her. She didn't blame him.

She wished that she could've screamed at him, thrown things, hit him, hit Lance, hit them all. Kick them all out and lock the door and don't let anyone in, don't ever let anyone in again.

She wanted so badly to claw at Lance, let him know exactly what she thought of him, the stupid little gossip - it wasn't his secret to tell.

But instead, Pidge sobbed. And they held her. Told her it would all be okay - that they'd be there for her, that it'd all turn out okay. That she'd get better. Pidge believed them, for that moment. That brief, glimmering moment of hope, which she tried so desperately to hold on to.

She knew it was too good to be true. Mealtimes passed by, spent with Pidge staring at her plate, and the others staring at Pidge, pleading her to 'just take a bite.' Their patience wore off soon enough, their calm and caring facade replaced with hefty sighs and wary glances to each other. They were getting tired of her shit. She was getting so tired of her shit too.

And eventually, Pidge stopped turning up at the dinner table. Everything else in the castle started to slow down too. It was as if they were all stuck in stasis. Allura and Coran hovered, trying to pry information about the condition from the other paladins, but they didn't know. They were asking questions that no one could answer. 

No one knew when she was going to get better. How she was going to get better. Why this had happened. When this had happened.

'It's just one of those things.' They'd answered with a frown and tired eyes. But it wasn't fair. But they all supposed that nothing was fair.

Keith sparred, taking out his anger on gladiator after gladiator. He didn't understand it. He knew that Lance struggled, but he thought that he was getting better. He didn't know how to help him. Help her. Help himself. Keith felt useless.

Lance was quiet - eerily so, at that. He and Coran cleaned the castle from top to bottom in strained silence. Often he opened his mouth to speak, only to hastily shut it again, his words lost, swallowed up by the harsh surroundings.

Hunk desperately tried to pull it all together. He thought if he made delicious food, she'd eat it. She pushed it aside, telling him that she 'wasn't hungry.' If anything, having it all out in the open made it easier to restrict. They expected her to, so they gave her small portions, low calorie meals. They didn't expect her to come down to eat, so they didn't chase her up on it.

Hunk often watched as Pidge tentatively came into the kitchen late at night, when she believed that no one was there. He watched as she fixed herself a plate of whatever that night's meal was. She'd sit, stare at it, pick at it.

Sometimes she'd eat it all in one or two bites, her stomach like a black hole, as she'd rake through cupboards in a frenzy trying desperately to fill the emptiness inside with anything, with everything.

But then sometimes it'd just be scrapped into the garbage disposal, the plate haphazardly left on the counter. Maybe she thought that they'd think she'd eaten a meal - or maybe she just couldn't find the energy or the will to care.

Shiro sat in his room in silence, sometimes creeping out in the middle of the night or the wee hours of the morning, as he hovered outside Pidge's room, hand poised to knock, before he'd quickly talk himself out of it and then hurry back to his own room.

She often knew he was there. She wished he'd just knock, and she'd let him in and they'd hug and it wouldn't matter what they'd said or done because he didn't hate her and she didn't hate him, and it'd all be okay.

But it never turned out like that. Instead, she continued to sit, tears silently rolling down her cheeks, her arms red and sore and her body and soul so, so tired. It was the type of tiredness that sleep couldn't fix. Sleep could never fix it.

Her thoughts were interrupted by a hesitant knock on the door, and a mumbled "Pidge." She held her breath, knowing that Shiro was on the other side of the door doing the same.

"I... I'm coming in."

The door slid open and Pidge was faced with Shiro. Shiro with dishevelled hair and crumpled clothes and what she assumed was week old eyeliner framed with dark eyes and red puffy rings. Tear tracks laced his cheeks, matching Pidge's own. 

That fierce glow was still present in his eyes though, glazed and glassy, but still there, burning brightly, the flames never completely flickering out, only dampened, but never satisfied.

"What is it, Shiro?" She murmured softly, for a moment, forgetting how his words had hurt her. Because right now, he was just Shiro. Takashi Shirogane. Pilot of the Kerberos mission. Leader of Voltron. Her brother's crush. Her space dad. 

His face softened slightly, the tenseness washing away as for the first time in a while he looked into her eyes. They still shone with passion, and meaning. She was still there, underneath everything. She was still Katie, deep down.

"Can we talk?"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading this chapter of Predictive disorder. Honestly I haven't had much motive to write lately, but by the end of this, the ideas had begun to flow again.  
> Please do leave comments, I love reading them so much and I want to improve, so please tell me if you have any critiques!
> 
> When I was first diagnosed with my anorexia, I noticed that my family actually let me get away with a lot more shit than I used to when it came to eating. It was weird, because I was trying to get better, trying to eat more, but of course when you're offered a 70 calorie cereal bar for lunch you're not gonna say no? I just - I don't know. ED recovery is strange. Now I have to eat 3 large meals daily, and two smaller ones. 
> 
> It's nuts, man. And God, it's difficult. If any of you are struggling with eating disorders, then please, do what is best for you, not the disorder. When I was willing to get better at first, it probably didn't do me much good to be eating 70 cal cereal bars when I could've managed more. Or maybe I just thought I could. Maybe I couldn't trust my own mind?
> 
> Nevermind, I'm rambling.
> 
> Love you all, stay strong, safe, and healthy xx


	12. Conditional

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> And they wished that there was something they could say or do, that would melt all of the pain away and make it beautiful again.

"I have nothing to say to you." Pidge muttered to the room, her words somehow not directed towards Shiro, but still spiraling around the two of them like ribbons tangling around the two of them, pulling them tighter and tighter until they couldn't breathe-

"That's okay, I'll... I'll do all the talking." Shiro stated in a surprisingly calm voice which really didn't match his expression. The two of them couldn't bear to make eye contact with each other, both too ashamed for the other to see them in such a state.

Shiro took a deep breath, as Pidge crumbled further into a pile on the floor, not wanting to hear his words, or her own.

"I'm sorry-" The two of them said in unison, though their eyes shot up from the floor and met the others', a weak smile forming on both of their faces. Shiro gave a short and slightly forced chuckle, but it was still a glimmer of light in the crushing darkness.

"You don't need to be sorry! It's... It's okay. You've done nothing wrong." He murmured softly, crouching down in front of her. She'd returned her head to her knees as she took a shuddering breath, trying not to cry. It'd been so long since she'd showed herself any kindness and someone telling her that she'd done nothing wrong...

In a world where she was at war with herself it was so difficult not to take the blame for everything.

"Hey! Hey - don't cry," Shiro fretted in an awfully fatherly tone.  
"M' not crying." Pidge mumbled in response, her voice muffled as she realised her eyes were beginning to well up with tears. She spent so much of her time crying - she was incredibly surprised that she had the energy anymore.

"Mind if I sit?" Shiro asked, shuffling slightly - crouching for long periods of time wasn't comfortable, even in his own peak physical condition. Pidge gave a mournful shrug, which Shiro took to mean 'Go ahead.'

Plopping himself down next to Pidge, he leaned back against the wall, tipping his head so he could look at the ceiling. He longed to shut his eyes, and imagine the stars - to be anywhere but here-

No, no, that was an awful thing to say. He didn't mean that. He wanted to be here for her, help her heal, but he was barely an adult himself and he had no sort of psychiatric first aid training - he had no idea what he was doing. This was all very unfamiliar territory and he was flying completely blind. 

"I didn't mean what I said-"

"I miss my family, Shiro."

"-And you'll see them again soon."

"You don't know that."

Shiro sighed, as he tilted his head to Pidge, her face still buried in her knees. Her hair had grown slightly - it was still wild and untamed - but at the same time it was thin, and dull, with a bald spot forming at the back of her head. He wondered if she knew. 

The rest of her hadn't grown. It had shrunk. Her clothes seemed to wear her, instead of the other way around. He didn't want to hazard a guess at what her matchstick-like arms looked like under the long sleeves, but her legs seemed emaciated. He wondered if they were painful to stand on. He wondered so many things.

"You're right - I don't know that. Only you know if you're going to get better. If you're going to recover."

"There’s nothing to recover from." She spat out bluntly through gritted teeth. He winced at her words - he'd obviously managed to hit a sore spot.

"Pidge," He murmured in a hopefully comforting manner.

"I'm not anorexic!" She barked out.

Her head shot up from her lap and she stared him dead in the eyes with those words. Shiro inhaled and exhaled slowly, looking away from her. He could still feel her eyes staring right through him.

"Pidge, it's like my PTSD-" He began, trying again.  
At his comment, she threw her arms up in the air, and clumsily rose to her feet, wobbling slightly. Shiro quickly stood up also, going to steady her. She slapped his hands away with tears in her eyes.

"It's not like your fucking PTSD!" She exclaimed, beginning to pace around the room on wobbly legs, before leaning against the wall to steady yourself.

"It's... It's not like your PTSD. That's like an actual illness - and this - THIS - is just some moody teenage girl trying to lose a bit of weight. A-and I'm not even a teenage girl..."

Her face crumbled with those last words as she slid down the wall, head in her hands. 

"...I - I'm not even a fucking girl."

"Pidge, for someone so smart, you're being really fu- REALLY stupid right now."   
He was at her side again, reaching out to touch her on the shoulder. She shrugged him away, and he quickly backed off, understanding that she didn't want to be touched right now.

"It's a disorder, Pidge. It's an illness - but that means... That means that you can recover from it. You can get better. You can heal. We can heal."

Pidge stayed silent, and Shiro shut his eyes, trying to think of what to say, what to say to make it all better.

"You are a girl, Pidge. A beautiful girl - bit not like in a creepy way, because you're like 15, and I'm gay, and I'm like your space dad... And if you think you're fat - you're not, not that there's anything wrong with that... Y'know? Hunk's a big guy and he's a gorgeous ray of sunshine and we wouldn't have him any other way, just like we wouldn't have you any other way. We love you, Pidge. We love you and we just want to be happy-"

Pidge started to make gentle hiccuping sounds from behind her hands. Shiro furrowed his eyebrows in concern as watched her, reaching his hand out slightly, before stopping himself.

"Oh, Pidge, please don't cry, okay?" He pleaded with her. Surely she must be dehydrated by now? He should really get her to drink some water-

"I'm not crying!" Pidge murmured as she removed her hands from her face to reveal a tired smile and those shining brown eyes.

"Shiro, you're rambling!" She smiled in a gleeful yet shockingly accusatory tone.

Shiro rubbed the back of his neck with his flesh hand nervously.

"Oh, was I? Sorry... I just- sorry."

Pidge exhaled deeply.

"I... I don't want to be like this. I want my life back."

Shiro nodded in response to this, as he looked around the room, spotting the clock on the wall. Dinnertime had started about 15 doboshes ago - but surely no one would really care - right?

"I'm really glad, Pidge. That's the first step to recovery - admitting that you have a problem."

"I'm not an alcoholic, Shiro."

"Yeah, but it's like an addiction, right?"

Pidge gave a slight shrug.

"I- I don't know."

"Look, you can get better if you want to. And we can start right now. It's dinner now?"

"Shiro, not right now... Not right this second."

"Pidge, please." He asked, almost begging her.

She squeezed her eyes shut, her demeanour changing completely from a tired nervous-happy, to a look of irritation - but mostly of fear and anxiety. She looked as if she was in pain somehow.

"I can't. I just - I'm not ready right now. I'm sorry."

Shiro opened his mouth to protest this, but he closed it as he began to realise that these things take time. That she wouldn't instantly recover - that she might never be 100% okay again. The thought of that made his heart ache.

"Okay, we'll be in the common room after dinner though. I'm sure everyone would love to see you."

"Maybe - Maybe...I'll think about it."

She opened her eyes again as she stared off into the distance. She saw Shiro nod in her peripheral vision, and watched as he got up and left.

Pidge looked around the room, memories seeming to fill every crevice, every nook and cranny - nowhere was safe, nowhere was sacred. She could see herself all over the room. She'd almost passed out over there - she exercised the point of vomiting over there, she'd binge eaten over there -

She squeezed her eyes shut again, desperately trying not to see. But phantom Pidge's danced in the corners of her vision, morphing into ugly skeletons and crumpling to the ground.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading this chapter - it means a lot to me! I appreciate all comments and kudos, it really warms my heart to see that people are enjoying my writing - at least I hope you all are!
> 
> Hope you're all okay, and if you'd like to dive further into my angst pit of shit you might be interested in some of my other works ♡
> 
> Love you all, please stay safe xx


	13. Comprehensive

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's a sweet, but yet so haunting melody,  
> But no, I won't be held back by my own skeletal anatomy.  
> I know I'm stronger than the numbers on the scale, it doesn't matter.  
> My voice can't be silenced again, my mind like erthreal chatter.

Everything had always made sense - everything had always been logical - meticulously planned out. Benefits weighed against negatives, pros and cons, every possible outcome worked out. It had always made sense to her.

Nothing about this made sense.

How strange a thing it was for her to deprive her body of what she needed most? 

Food was fuel, she thought to herself. Food is fuel, calories are energy. You need energy to move, breathe, to repair your body. Everything in the universe requires energy. But this wasn't quintessence or some other mystical force, this was basic biology.

Calories were energy. She needed energy. She needed energy so that she could pilot green and find Matt and Dad, and so that she could go home.

She repeated this over and over in her head as she stared at the plate in front of her.

She could feel eyes focused on her from every direction, and the painful silence seemed to echo throughout the room.

'It's not going to make you fat.' She argued with herself internally.

'I know that,' She shot back at herself. 'But it's about control.'

Shaking hands grasped her cutlery, as she scooped up a small spoonful of whatever tonight's 'meal' was. She stared at it for a few painful moments, before gently placing her spoon down, food intact, before picking up her water and taking a long sip, as she tried to calm herself.

The rest of the table was silent, and she looked up for a brief moment, only to instantly regret it. She was met with painfully encouraging smiles and saddened eyes from the others which in any other circumstance might've seemed comforting, but she couldn't help thinking how ridiculous it was that she couldn't eat like a normal fucking person.

Pidge looked down to the food once more, taking note of how her portion seemed to be a little smaller than everyone else's. Or maybe it was bigger. She didn't know. Would it really make a difference to her?

She picked up the spoon again, and without giving herself time to talk herself out of it - placed the food in her mouth, chewed, and swallowed.

She thought of her rules, all of her rules - only this many calories per day - what was in this? No eating before 7am or after 7pm. Chew 10 times. She couldn't chew goo. Take a sip of water in between every bite. Always be the last person to start eating, and the last to finish.

Pleased murmurs rang around the table and Pidge couldn't help but feel embarrassed. It was like she was a little kid, being praised for eating all her broccoli. She almost wanted to ask if she'd get a smiley face sticker now.

"Well done!"

"That's great, Pidge."

"Keep going, you're doing great."

Compliments seemed to spark out from the murmurs, as Pidge, irritated, threw her cutlery down onto the table in utter frustration with a loud clatter, seeming to silence them all.

"You don't need to patronise me!" She exclaimed, shoving her face into her hands. Hunk placed a hand on her shoulder in a comforting motion, but for once, Pidge couldn't be bothered to shrug him off.

"Look, I know you're all just trying to help,"

"We want you to get better, Pidge." Keith stated bluntly. If it wasn't for his mildly irritated tone, she might've thought he was being kind.

"I don't need to get - "

"Pidge," Shiro interrupted, with a raised eyebrow, considerably bitter about Pidge's intense denial.

"I'm sorry, Pidge. None of us really know what we're doing. We don't know what's best for you." Hunk admitted, sadly, squeezing her shoulder gently. 

Pidge looked across the table to Lance, and saw his eyes flicker away from her. She mentally cursed that hypocrit - if she was going to get 'better' then Goddamn it, so was he.

Her eyes flicked back to her own plate, seeing the solemn dent in the substance from Pidge's single mouthful.

"I am trying. I really am." She murmured softly, resting her elbows on the table and burying her head into her hands.

"We know, and we know it's difficult, but you need to keep trying. You're doing really well." Hunk comforted her, patting her shoulder before removing his hand.

Pidge snorted at this. "I've taken one bite. That's hardly 'excellent progress' ". She said, removing one of her hands from her face to make an air quotations.

"It's still something, Pidge." Lance mumbled, half comforting her, half self depreciation.

"I just need to normalise it. It's a normal thing. It's all normal, right?" 

Agreeing murmurs rang out around the table as Pidge picked up her spoon again, the others following suit.

"So let's eat!" Grinned Hunk, greatly appreciating Pidge's immense effort.

Allura, who had stayed silent for most of the conversation - along with Coran, suddenly cleared her throat and rose to her feet.

"Please excuse me, all. I will be in my chambers if anyone requires me."

And as ethereal and regal as ever, Princess Allura seemed to float delicately across the room to the door, gliding through, the doors swiftly shutting behind her, leaving a stunned silence in her wake.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Unfortunately I've been struggling a lot with my eating again so sorry if nothing is up to my usual standards. I'm trying my best! Hope you're all well xx


	14. Calm

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> How do you recover if you're meant to be the doctor and the patient?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Dedicated to my wonderful and loving therapy dog who was tragically killed yesterday. I never had to explain anything to her, or defend myself. She didn't ask questions, and always loved me unconditionally. I'll miss her so, so much. I owe a lot of my recovery to her. She loved me when I couldn't love myself. I trusted her when I couldn't trust anyone else.
> 
> She was taken from us too soon, but I'm so glad that I got to know her for the short time that she was on this earth.
> 
> I love you darling, thank you for everything that you've done for me.

She was trying. She was trying so fucking hard but nothing seemed to make sense anymore. She wondered how it had ever made sense in the first place.

After years of holding herself back, she found that she'd forgotten how to stop herself.

Her mind was too fast - thoughts seemed to pass by before she could even comprehend them, and shaking fingers hovered over a beat up keyboard as she desperately tried to decipher her own mind.

Her fingers tapped and her legs shook furiously as she tried to concentrate. She needed to concentrate. She had to concentrate.

She quickly pressed F5, waiting with baited breath for the code to start running. Pidge needed to keep her mind busy. If her mind wasn't busy then she'd think too much and if she thought too much then she knew that bad things would happen.

Eating had been her control - the only control that she'd has over anything in the universe. Her family had been taken. She was thrown into space, forced to fight in an intergalactic war. She was born the wrong gender - everything about her was wrong. And now the stupid code wouldn't work.

"ERROR" Flashed in an angry red on the screen, mocking her. Slamming her fist down on the keyboard in anguish, she felt strong arms lift her back to reality.

"Hey, hey, come on now. Enough of that - it's time for lunch." Hunk soothed, taking her laptop out of reach. Pidge blinked slightly, grounding herself. She was in the common room. The other paladins were all here. They were all watching her.

She couldn't help feeling like some sort of zoo exhibit - something for them all to gawk at. A bowl of some sort of alien looking sustenance was thrust in front of her face. Instinctively, she pushed it away. Hunk responded with a frown, and tried again, trying to shove the bowl into her hands.

"I'm not hungry." She muttered, shifting away from him slightly.

"You need to eat, Pidge." Shiro supplied, earning a glare from Pidge in response. She folded her arms defensively as Shiro raised an eyebrow, and ignored the pleading looks that Hunk was giving the others.

"I already ate." She mumbled defensively.

"When?" Keith seemed to interrogate, leaning forward in his seat. She glanced to the figure sitting next to him - Lance, skinny as ever, shaking his hand. Hypocritical bastard.

"Earlier."

"What did you eat?"

"Some goo stuff."

"The machine's been offline all morning. Right, Hunk?" Keith stated bluntly, not even looking at the aforementioned yellow paladin.

Hunk gave a nervous shrug and attempted to pass the food to Pidge again.

She quickly rose from her seat, pushing the plate away angrily. Hunk lost his grip, and it fell to the floor with a clatter, the food spilling all over Pidge and the floor. She closed her eyes and shook slightly, feeling incredibly lightheaded from getting up too suddenly.

She opened her eyes and bent down, trying to scoop the food back into the bowl, wavering wildly on her feet. She began to stumble forward, losing her balance. Pidge fell to her knees and Lance quickly stood - rushing to her side, and attempting to help her to her feet.

"Don't touch me." She murmured quietly, as if it wasn't even directed towards him. He immediately removed his hands from her, and held them up defensively.

"Sorry, sorry!" He responded, as she shook her head, using the bench to support herself as she rose to her feet. 

"I - I need to get cleaned up." She muttered, heading for the door, as she breathed deeply in a pitiful attempt to calm herself. She looked down at her hands, covered in food. She shuddered as she imagined all of the alien calories seeping through her skin undoing all of her hard work. She needed to wash her hands. And exercise. Burn it off. Burn it all off. She twitched slightly as she walked, the feeling of anxiety crawling through her body.

"Why won't she just eat?" Keith whispered harshly from behind her. Pidge didn't know if she was meant to hear or if he thought she wasn't listening. She wasn't sure what was worse. 

"Keith, I'm sure she's trying -" Shiro began, trying to defend her.

Keith interjected this bitterly with: "If she was trying, then why'd she just fling food all over the floor? And lie about eating? AGAIN? She's not, she's - "

This time it was Pidge's turn to interrupt. She turned on her heel, facing them all, before walking coolly across to Keith and looking him right in the eyes.

"You don't know what it's like, mullet." She hissed, as he sunk back in his seat.

"I am trying. I am trying my Goddamn best, but right now I'm the doctor AND the patient and it's really fucking difficult, Keith."

She took a shuddering breath as she took a few steps back, her face rapidly turning red with anger? Embarrassment? An awful mixture of the two?

"I'm trying, and I'm sorry if that's not good enough, but I don't know what else to do!" She wailed, her voice cracking as tears welled up in her eyes.

"And if I could force myself to eat, then I would. But I can't. And I'm sorry that I'm so useless right now, and that Green's abandoned me - "

She broke in the middle of her sentence to give a loud sob. She took another deep breath, as she removed her glasses and wiped her eyes with the back of her hand.

"I don't know what else I can do, apart from try! But it's difficult. It feels like the most difficult thing in the world for me, right now."

She took a brief pause.

"- In the universe." 

Tears ran down her face as she stood, staring at a spot on the wall behind them all. She'd never felt more vulnerable than she did right now, and that was a terrifying thought considering what she'd been through, and the fact that these were her friends.

She opened her mouth to speak again - to fill up that awful, awful silence. 

But she found that there was nothing left to say.


	15. Cerulean

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which everything comes together.

Usually Pidge's room was bright. Glowing gadgets and laptop screens illuminated the room, as Pidge would sit cross legged typing away. That was how it used be. But now it was dark.   
The room was startlingly blank and bare, laptops and other electronics shoved into one corner, spilling off of the desk, leaving a horrible empty space in the middle of the room. It didn't feel right. It didn't feel like Pidge's.

Blinking as his eyes adjusted to the darkness from the bright lights of the silver chrome corridors, Lance looked around the room for Pidge, bowl of Hunk's latest enticing meal in hand. He'd checked all of her usual places - or rather, those places where she used to go, but his efforts were unsuccessful and a strange and sad emptiness seemed to hang in the air throughout the castle.

It had been Pidge in the vents, Pidge hiding under her desk, in the green lion, on top of the green lion, in the kitchen taste testing Hunk's creations and sneaking bits of bright blue cookie dough. It had been Pidge on Shiro's shoulders, on Lance's shoulders - heck, on Keith's shoulders. They'd always commented on how light she was, easy to carry. Maybe that fuelled it. Maybe they'd caused it.

How ill she was had only appeared to them in the recent weeks, though Lance knew it had been going on for a much longer time. You don't get sick like that overnight - it takes hours, days, weeks of self deprecation and self hatred for you to get to such a point where you felt that you needed to deny your body such basic needs.  
Before Pidge had been everywhere, and now she almost seemed like a ghost, occasionally drifting from her room wrapped in blankets, dark circles under her eyes as she shook - whether with the cold or anxiety, she'd be constantly shivering. They'd all watch her out of the corner of their eyes at mealtimes, she'd sit for what seemed like hours, trying to force down a small bowl of food goo, her utensils shaking in her hands.

She was a shell of her former self. Lance remembered, just a few days ago, how the pair of them had sat on her bed, his arm around her as Hunk and Coran tore her room apart in an effort to clean it. They'd stacked up plates and scraped week old food off of them. They'd been hidden - under the bed, in her desk. They'd disinfected the whole room, emptied bins and bags of vomit, after her toilet had been blocked up with food she'd had to find other ways - such was the mind of a sick person. Lance wondered if he'd been like that at his worst - he could hardly remember. Whether his mind had blocked out the memories or if his brain hadn't been recording in the first place, Lance wasn't sure. But he remembered feeling exactly how Pidge looked that day, like you'd lost all of that control that you'd worked so hard for, that control that was so important to you. It felt like you'd relinquished control of your life, your body, your soul, to someone else. They fed you now. They clothed you. They watched you. Nothing was sacred anymore, and nothing was yours.

Lance remembered not feeling like a person anymore. Like he was just a vessel for the sickness, as he waited for it to take his life, like it had taken his sister's, like it had taken so many lives of people he'd never even met and Lance wondered if he would've met them if they survived. Lance only met Pidge because he survived. Pidge would only see her family again if she survived, and Lance wanted that so, so badly for her.

Pidge's room was not bright. Pidge's room was dark and smelt strongly of chemicals and reminded Lance more of a hospital room than a teenage girl's bedroom.   
His eyes focused on a small lump in the bed, which Lance guessed was most likely to be the inhabitant of the room. She spent a lot of time sleeping - but it was completely understandable. Less calories equals less energy which then equals being quicker to tire, and needing to rest more. Basic science. Lance chose to neglect the fact that more calories equalled more energy, because they were mentally ill teenagers in space and nothing made sense anymore.

"Pidge?" He called out into the empty air, only to be responded to with a moment of silence before the lump under the covers shifted a little.  
"I brought you some food." He said, in as calm a tone as he could manage.  
"Please, don't make me." A muffled voice came from the bed. Lance's heart seemed to freeze as he recognised himself in her own voice - begging, please, please don't make him. Just leave him be. Leave her be.

"Hunk made it specially." He chirped, a weak smile on his face.

"I'll eat it later."

"It'll get cold."

"I'm not hungry."

Lance sighed, placing the bowl on the desk. He then went over to the bed, and perched himself gently on the edge, his had hovering above Pidge's back before he thought better of it, placing it in his lap.

"You need to eat."

"I've eaten breakfast and I've each lunch. I had a snack mid morning. Allura sat with me and watched me, ask her if you don't believe me, and you saw me eat breakfast and lunch and it was all fatty and greasy and calorific, and I'm getting enough nutrition, too much nutrition, so just, please, please - "  
Pidge seemed to sob, shifting a little under the covers, but Lance couldn't really tell, instead squeezing his own eyes shut so that he could beg to whatever God there was to please tell him the right thing to say, to do. How could he make it all better?

"Please just... I'm trying. Please just give me a break."

"I'm sorry. I know you are." Lance shut his eyes, inhaling deeply, as if trying to recompose himself, as if he was blinking back tears.

"I'll... I'll leave you alone." He murmured, looking away.

"Please don't leave me."

"What?"

"Please stay. I don't want to be alone anymore."

Lance couldn't help the smile sneaking across his face - nor the tears pricking his eyes, threatening to spill.

"I'll stay. I'm not going anywhere." He promised, as he leaned over to her and wrapped his arms around her small form.

"It'll get easier," Lance whispered.  
"One day at a time it will get easier, I promise. There is hope, there is so so much hope and so much to get better for-"

"-There isn't though." Pidge murmured, rolling over and uncovering her face so that she could see him.

"I've lost everything, Lance. My family, my home, my health. My mind. I'm so tired of everything." She started to tear up a little.  
"It's so fucking exhausting. I just want to eat. I swear I do, I just-"

"-Can't."

"Yeah."

"I want to be well. I don't even know how something like this could manifest, I didn’t notice..."

"None of us noticed. But you’re not to blame. It's like a chemical imbalance in your brain, right? Which means it can be fixed. And people recover. I'm recovered. Recovering. I-it's hard but it's like riding a bike. You fall off but you get back on again and you keep going."

"I never learned how to ride a bike."

"You never learned how to ride a bike-?! Christ, Pidge-"

"I need to go home, Lance. I need to go back to Earth. I need to get well, properly well, and I can't do that here."

Lance wiped a tear off of her cheek, that she didn't even notice had fallen.

"We'll take you home. We'll find your family. We'll work this out."

Pidge unwrapped her hand from the mess of blankets and held up her pinky finger to him. Without saying a word, he grasped it with his own, and smiled.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The next chapter will be an epilogue. I've been gone, because I've been getting well myself. It is possible. I started attending a eating disorder support group, but I've started to realise that I don't need it any more. Things are clearer.


End file.
